Posted by Aphrodite on January 4, 2005, at 6:56:06
For the first time ever, I sat in his room today and felt light years away. We've had a trust rupture gone unrepaired, and I have returned to competent-adult-not-needing-therapy mode. He knows this, and he tried all of his usual methods of reaching my emotional side and the pain, but none of it worked. I had the urge to fake it, but I didn't. I sat silently most of the time, giving one word answers. It was like I didn't even know him. Sometimes when he was speaking so kindly and gently, I didn't hear him -- I was thinking about phone calls I needed to return, etc.
The complete disconnect from him was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced because so much is wrong right now and the suicidal demons have returned. And to not feel like I even know him leaves me with precious little support.
It's a busy time for me, so I told him I wouldn't be back for a week and a half. He tried to explain how I would only ice over further, but I can't neglect my reponsibilities in the "real world" either.
He called later after the session, and I started to open up, but inside I was screaming to myself to shut up, and so I did and closed down. He pleaded by saying if I came again this week, he had some things he had written for me that would help in moments of crisis when I was too closed to reach out. He is gently persistent, but again, it was like a stranger on the phone.
I'm really scared that too much has happened and he's completely gone.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:437564
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/437564.html