Posted by daisym on December 31, 2004, at 2:46:02
I've been in therapy for 18 months and today was the first time I've ever had two sessions in one day. I'd call it a double session, except that there was an hour in between. I went for my usual appointment and there was so much to tell and two really big issues to sort out. I've had pieces of a new memory intruding since last night and I was frightened by it. But there was another pressing issue that my therapist wanted to talk about too. After spending about 20 minutes on "his" topic, I started to get really upset. I told him I just didn't have enough time today and I didn't know how to prioritize things. Everything felt urgent so I wanted to bounce around. He was quiet for a minute and then told me he had a cancellation this afternoon and I could have that spot, if I wanted it. My initial response was, "is this sinking even deeper into neediness?" But ultimately we decided that we could spend the remaining time on the first issue and give the next hour over to the memory.
The hard thing was that when I came back, I kept thinking, "this isn't a big enough deal to need an extra session for. I'm being stupid." He knew I was feeling insecure and pushy so he helped me just move right into the memory. It was good that we had set up what the agenda would be, it would have been easy to go back to the earlier conversation. I really struggled with the need to talk, however. It felt like, "OK, I said this felt so urgent...I better get to it!" I think because I felt so much pressure, I "made" myself go very deep into this memory and try and piece it together. My 8-year-old self strongly emerged and told most of the story and her fears were so huge. I kept trying to pull myself back into the room but I couldn't get myself back. After a half hour, my therapist intervened. He had been talking the whole time, asking questions, providing safety for the story. But I think I was struggling so hard and squirming so much that he just knew it was too much. I think this is one of the few times I've heard him say, "OK, I think that's enough for now. Let's rest..." It took a while to put that 8 year old away because when I stopped forcing the words there were still tears.
I don't think I'd do too many doubles. It was exhausting. Maybe because there was an hour in-between, so it felt like 3 hours of therapy. Or maybe because I felt like I needed to make it worth his while, so there was more pressure. I know some people do this routinely - have 75 minute sessions and they like having that much time. I'm actually surprised that I didn't like it more. But I am glad that I didn't have to hold onto everything for the weekend, thought I'd bet dollars to donuts that I'm going to get womped with the guilt monster soon.
I'm quickly moving into the "worst client" ever realm. I feel like the guy in the movie the mask, "somebody STOP ME!"
poster:daisym
thread:435924
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435924.html