Posted by Daisym on December 1, 2004, at 1:05:29
In reply to Naw, that's not it . . ., posted by Aphrodite on November 29, 2004, at 18:35:38
<<<<One of these days, you're going to come in here and tell me off. It's OK; we'll work through it and be better for it, but you HAVE to be honest!"
<<<<He asked me what I would ask from him during this session if I had no fears about how he would react. I was dumbfounded! It has never, ever occurred to me to not worry about him, read his mood, decide if it's a good time or not. Even on the rare time I think it's OK, I'm never all the way honest. I self-edit based on what I see. It just dawned on me what a huge block it is to fear repurcussions and to fear being "too much" for him.
>>>>This is totally me, self-editing, fearing to be "too much." But, there was one weekend, a short while back, when I totally and completely gave into it all and just "allowed" my needs to be met. And I didn't/wasn't worried about him going away. I was....content. It didn't last and in fact led to a lot of self recrimination about what I want, what is appropriate, etc. etc. YOU know the speech you give yourself, right? I then drove myself crazy trying to recapture that feeling.And I HAVE now "told off" (very politely) my therapist, twice even! It felt awful. I totally went back into hiding about my feelings and my needs. He said he is really sad about that, we had worked very hard to let the more vulnerable parts of myself have a voice. And he was so crushed and heartsick (his words) about having hurt me and upset me to the point that I yelled at him. His sadness made me feel worse than I already did. But he seems to think releasing this in an honest way will ultimately be a good thing. We'll see, I guess.
I still think your original post of the dance was right on, no matter what your therapist said. I see it all over your posts, and mine too!
poster:Daisym
thread:420428
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/422653.html