Posted by Aphrodite on November 26, 2004, at 7:30:19
I really need to stop reading articles meant only for clinicians. I start to worry about what I am doing to my T as I read that working with trauma patients is, well . . . traumatic . . . for the therapists as well.
That said, I read a piece on countertransference after a particularly rocky week with my T. I couldn't believe how the article was line for line an analogy of my week in therapy! I was a mess -- I had been getting stronger, some techniques were working, so my cynical, abusive side came back with a vengence. My T said my internal critic, who has protected me thus far, was afraid things were changing and leaving her out. So, she reasserted herself.
My T has been using visualization techniques with me to help the various ego states deal with their conflicts. It had been working very well. I had some stressful work and life experiences in the meantime which made those techniques not so helpful when I returned Wed. I was his last appt. Wed. night before Thanksgiving. I really just wanted to talk, but I thought my suicidal ideations and some of the life stressors would cause him to worry over the holiday, so I was trying to walk a fine line. I went ahead with the visualizations -- I told him my "little girls" were not easily soothed that night. He was persistent. He spoke sternly to the cynic and gently to the girls. So, as many women do, I faked it. ;) I purposely slowed down my breathing, pulled myself together, thanked him for the "comfort" and left.
Thus began the "dance of empathy" I read about. The T comes on strong, arguing with my distortions, "forcing" me to relax. I then see him as the abuser and then I comply. The next step in the dance is the T sensing that he has done this and retreating. When I came home, he called and said he felt that perhaps he didn't allow me to control the session. He wanted me to have the opportunity to ask for what I needed on the phone. In the dance, the patient sees this retreat as the failing mother protector. The patient is now alone with a passive figure and is frightened. I didn't know what to ask for. I was empty when we hung up.
OK, I thought I should tell him I had faked it. I called him back and told him. He was silent. I asked, "What's wrong?" He answered, "I am going through in my mind all the other times we've done these techniques and trying to figure out what has been the truth and what has not." Ouch! He got a little flippant. "So, when I saw your shoulders drop, that was something you did on purpose?" he asked sarcastically. We hung up again. I called back in tears and left a sobbing message that he never allows me to be honest, he punishes me, "you turn your compassion on and off when it suits you!" Who knows what else I hurled out! In the dance of empathy, the patient identifies with the abuser and lashes out to hurt others and then recoils in horror. That was me! I was hurting, I blamed him, and I wanted him to have to feel some pain too and immediately regretted it.
He called back (it was now near midnight), I was sobbing, and he said and did all the right things. I don't feel great but definitely better. This is the end of the dance of empathy when the T "gets it" and assumes the right balance of strong protector and sympathetic guide.
I think I need dance lessons. I can't keep doing this!
poster:Aphrodite
thread:420428
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/420428.html