Posted by shrinking violet on November 30, 2004, at 21:41:30
In reply to Re: Dilemma....PLEASE help, posted by vwoolf on November 30, 2004, at 7:36:32
> SV, How are you? How did your session with your T go?
>
> Thinking of you.
>
> Vwoolf(((((((Vwoolf))))))
Thank you so much, you're so sweet. I'll try to keep this short (um, probably not possible for me, lol):
I've concluded that the biggest mistake I made (aside from seeking "treatment" to begin with) was looking to the school for help. I should have known it would be tricky.
I went to my T session tonight not exactly knowing what would happen. I was just hoping, simply, that I would either get what I asked for in terms of extra support, even though I'm not exactly sure what I even mean or need by that. Also, I don't feel as badly now as I did a few days ago (but it'll probably come back, especially during the weekend). I don't feel much of anything actually.
Basically my T threw some options at me, none of which I wanted. Either inpatient over the winter break (for an eating disorder, but of course they would address other issues as well such as depression, etc), or partial hospitalization(IOP) for the ED (of which I have tried twice now, once for an hour and once for two days before I quit over being too unable to handle the meals), or partial hosp. for anxiety and depression, or making an appt with another T who my T knows -- my T said she would even go to the appointment with me and she would consult with the new T and she would keep seeing me weekly until I could "wean" away from her. So I pretty much had to choose and make a decision then b/c the director was waiting to hear what happened after I left. So I felt (feel) trapped and forced, and STILL unable to really honestly talk about how I really feel and my thoughts (in terms of suicidal ideation). So I chose the partial outpatient for the ED again, mainly b/c I had already been there and I know what to expect. So now on top of everything else I have to deal with these meals and the weight gain. I cannot tell you how afraid I am right now. I saw the medical doc again this morning (at school; I see her weekly) and my weight has gone down again, she's not happy. So right now I'm absolutely borderline, meaning I'm just above the place where they're going to say I'm too medically unstable to stay in school (which is SUCH BS. I'm not that much underweight, technically going by the DSM criteria I'm probably only borderline anorexic) so apparently my hold on school is tenuous at best and I need to at least make it seem like I'm willing to do things like partial hosptial, etc, to try to be better.
I feel like, though, that I'm being told to not share how I really feel (suicidal thoughts, difficulty eating, etc) b/c then they have to react, and they react by putting more pressure on me or by kicking me out. It's rather ridiculous. And if the doc thinks I'm medically unstable, then they can throw me out. So the doc asks me questions like how i'm feeling, what are my symptoms, etc, and i'm afraid to be honest. My T asks about my thoughts or how I feel, and I'm afraid to be honest, so it's just really hard.
So now I need to talk to my nutritionist on Thursday and figure out if she can help me to start eating so I can be eating the amount that the IOP will expect me to eat so I dont freak out and leave when I get there, b/c if I do that I doubt they'll let me back into school. in the meantime I still have all these thougths, still feel depressed and bad but I cant say anything about it, and I *still* didn't get any of the extra support/contact that I think I need now. So it pretty much feels like I'm being punished for being honest. And NOW I have to deal with all of this fear with the inevitable meals and weight gain. And the ED is the only thing that's keeping me together right now, it really is. I cannot handle feeling more uncomfortable physically in terms of weight/food than I usually do, not on top of everything else too, I just can't. But they dont understand that concept so I cant explain it. And now I cant even quit treatment b/c I'm too far in and too much of a risk, so they wouldn't just let me go without throwing me out of school too.
The only possible up-side is that if I do this program, and consequently set up additional outside supports (at least in theory) to take some of the presure off the school doc and director, then maybe the school will back off and give me a bit more breathing room and not put so much pressure on me or my T. Some choice though, huh.
I'm just not sure what I want right now, and the fears are outweighing everything else. How do you do something when you're so afraid of it?
Aside from that though, it was actually a nice session. Some of those who read this may not agree with it, but....my T kept saying how much she cared about me and how special I am to her. Finally I became kind of aggravated and I told her to stop saying that (because it sounds like it means more than it probably does and it's confusing to me). Then she got mad and said "that's BS, no, I'm not going to stop telling you I care about you." Which I was kind of glad she reacted that way, b/c I deep down I really don't want her to stop saying it or feeling it (regardless of in whatever way she does), and I think I need to hear it, especially right now. Then she's like, "and you think it's just a client relationship and you cant see that there's so much more between us...." See, WHY does she say things like that. It's nice, it really is, but it's so hard too, you know? How the heck am I going to leave her in May? I'll probably never see her again, and considering how much she means to me...How will I handle that? But, something to deal with next semester I guess. Maybe I should just try to enjoy it for now.
She also said that "personally" she needs to know that I'm going to be OK after May (when I graduate and therefore must stop seeing her), so she wants me to set up a transfer to another T who she knows and wants me to see, and have the other T call her to know that I have an appt past May with her, so my T can know I'm ok and that I have someone there so she can rest her mind a little. Well, why does she get to rest her mind but I'll have to miss her and never see her again and not know whether she's okay or what's going on with her? She's nuts if she thinks i'm going to make it easy on her when it wont be on me (yes that's childish and probably selfish, and I really don't want to cause her any worry or pain but, at the same time, that's still how I feel). Besides, I do not want to continue therapy anymore after I leave her. I've had enough. My "plan" is to see how far I can get by May. Then, if I can live with the way I am, then so be it. If not, then I'll know I tried (hm, IF I can even manage to try b/c right now I'm too scared and depressed to try at all) and it'll be time to exit stage right, and I think I'd be able to do it then. Especially given how hard it is going to be to live without my T. But, hey, I can't tell her any of that either.
Then she picked up a little book and said that she brought this book from her personal collection at home, and the book means a lot to her and she's going to be very aware that it isnt in her bookcase, but she wanted me to hold onto it for a while and hopes i'll read it. She said it's
a "friend" of hers and she'll miss it, but she'll be happy to know it's sitting next to me (she's too sweet, isnt she? I tried so hard not to cry). It's called ""When things fall apart"". I was (and am) SO incredibly touched that she would do that. So then I got up to go and she asked for a hug (which I needed too but I wouldn't have asked for it), and I hugged her and thanked her, and as I let go she grabbed my hands and we squeezed them a bit and then on my way out I asked her if SHE was ok (for a lot of reasons which I won't go into here). As if she'd tell me if she wasn't, but I still wanted to ask to at least try to convey that I am aware of things and that I was/am oncerned. She looked more "plain" and tired than she usually does, and she has some stuff going on ersonally, most of which I probably don't know about, but she did share a tiny bit.So I feel like I have a little part of her with me just having the book here, so hopefully that will serve to be my extra "support" over the next week. I drove part of the way home with my hand on the book. :)
So, that's the story. I'm *really* scared right now, and i'm not sure I even want any of this for myself for a lot of reasons. I'm not even sure I *can* do any of the things that may help. And I can't even be honest with how I feel right now for fear of everyone reacting to it, so again I have to keep it to myself, which makes it worse I think. I dont know, I'll stop there.
See? Brevity isn't in my nature at all. *sigh*
Thank you so much for asking, it means more to me right now than you could know.
Peace,
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:420644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/422581.html