Posted by shrinking violet on November 26, 2004, at 19:21:04
Hi everyone,I'm sorry for posting as I haven't been reading or responding much lately. I'm going to try to do so after I submit this.
I have a huge problem. To sum it up for anyone who might want to tackle the question without reading whatever verbosity I end up writing afterward: How do you know whether therapy itself is hurtful / damaging, or whether you are having a hard time in general and may just need more support?
I started back with my therapist two weeks ago after quitting on her (again). I decided that this time I would really try to talk to her and do whatever 'work' I need to do to try to start feeling better. During the six weeks or so I didn't see her, I was anxious and depressed, as usual, but I didn't feel particularly overwhelmed. I am not yet on an anti-depressant; I was supposed to be, but let's just say I'm not good at taking meds and I didn't think it was helping much anyway and the psych I was seeing was something of a joke. I have an appt with a new psych in a couple of weeks, so hopefully it will be better and I can find some relief.
For the past couple of weeks though, I've gone downhill pretty fast. Not that I haven't felt this way before, because I have, but I'm not sure what triggered it this time. I'm very depressed, hopeless, vaguely suicidal (think about it a lot and wish I could do it, but know I probably won't). I'm finding it hard to concentrate on assignments. I'm a bundle of nerves all the time (the new apartment doesn't help either), and I'm constantly afraid of being attacked and violated (again, not a new feeling but one that has gotten more intense since I moved). I also have an eating disorder and I'm not eating much at all right now, which probably is compounding a lot of these problems. Also, I saw the doc earlier this week and she said it's gotten to the point now where I have to sign a contract and comply with what it says (to keep all appointments with her, my T, my nutritionist and any other doc she suggests, as well as to not let my BMI fall below where it is now, etc) or else I may be thrown out of school. So, that didn't help matters either.
Therapy itself has always been difficult for me because I find it SO hard to open up and talk. First, I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to talk about. Second, I'm so afraid of it I won't go near any of it. I can't get close to any emotion when I'm there. I can't even manage to say "I'm scared..." or anything remotely like that. So, it's been hard, to say the least. I want to change that, though. I am trying a lot harder to just talk to my T and the past couple of sessions have been better in that regard, although I'm still not getting close to any of my issues/emotions/etc (I wish I knew what it is I was supposed to say. Is there a "how to do therapy" tape or something I could watch?? lol).
So lately this has all come to a head. I feel HORRIBLE between sessions. I feel like I'm falling. I feel like I need my T. I know some of it is probably due to my relationship with her, etc and just the need most of us seem to have to connect with our T's in-between sessions. But I also think it might be more than that.
Anyway, I felt so horrible yesterday that I sent an email to the Samaritans. I spilled out everything I couldn't say to my T: about how horrible everything is, about how I feel about her, about how I think I need more support right now because an hour a week doesn't seem to be cutting it. I ended up sending a copy to my T as well. I didn't think she was working today b/c it's the day after the holiday, but apparently she had to go in for something and she read my email. She called me this morning and left a message. I emailed her back because she asked me to and I ensured her I was safe for the weekend. She then called me earlier this afternoon and she said that she is going to call me periodically all weekend to check in with me. I just hung up with
her a few minutes ago, in fact. At first I thought maybe she was
finally understanding that I might need more support/time from her and that
this (her offering to call me) was the first step in that direction. But I
just spoke with her and, I don't know, it seems that from my email she
thinks that I'm saying that therapy is too hard for me and that I can't
handle it. I told her that isn't what I meant. Then she said that she isn't
sure. She said it seems like I've "attached myself" too much to the
relationship and I'm not willing to do the work. I AM willing to work, it's
just hard. And I can't believe she said that; she's always tried overly hard to get me to belive that she cares about me, and that our relationship is special and part of the work. But then it seems like whenever I actually acknowledge the relationship she tries to distance from it.Some people can go into therapy and blab about nothing for
an hour and leave feeling ok. Some of us have more deep stuff to work with
and let out, and it's harder, but that doesn't mean it's damaging. Honestly,
I think she's so used to working with undergraduates who go in and gripe
about their classes and boyfriends, or an occasional eating disorder.....ONE
specific problem they need help with. Then I go in, who has tons of issues
and who hasn't tried to talk about them in my whole life, and I'm not sure
my T knows how to handle me. I'm not saying she isn't a good T, but I just
wonder if she's in over her head with me. But now it's too late because I
already have this therapeutic thing with her and I don't want to start over
with someone else. I think I just need to feel more safe and supported and
that I might just need an extra session or more contact during the week,
that's all, but I can't ask for that specifically (not sure why, I'm just
afraid to say it) so I talk in circles and she reads emails like the one I
sent and she reads more into it than what I mean. She always seems to
think I'm saying that therapy is too hard or hurtful when I never said that.
But then I'm wondering if maybe she's right? But at the same time I know I
need therapy and can't keep running from this stuff because now it's coming
out sideways. I mean, medicine tastes yucky but it's still supposed to help if you take it regularly and get past the taste and swallow it. The same with therapy, maybe.So I dont know what to do. I dont feel like she really heard
me at all, and now I'm afraid she's going to conclude that I'm being hurt by
this and she's going to quit or pawn me off on someone else. I dont know
what to do. I can't let her just cut me lose....I dont know what I'd do
then. I want to be VERY clear with her tomorrow when she calls me about what I need and don't ned, about what I mean and don't mean, and about how I think her theory that I'm being hurt by this is wrong. But first I need to figure out whether she might be right and the therapy itself really is damaging and making everything worse, or whether I might just need more support for a while until I maybe get on an a/d and get past this rough spot? Is there a way to figure out which one it is???Any help would be very much appreciated. And I apologize for the length of this post, and any confusion I may have caused (I tend to write in circles when I'm confused sometimes)
Thanks,
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:420644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/420644.html