Posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2004, at 11:20:35
In reply to obsession, posted by crushedout on November 16, 2004, at 23:18:46
(((((Crushed)))))
My therapist didn't respond to my "Dear Jill" voicemail. It drove me crazy. I wanted her to call and say "What are you doing? Come back in and talk to me about this. I can't live without you [yes, I wanted HER to say this]" I was devistated that I meant so little to her that she would just let me go without a fight. I wanted to say goodbye, but I absolutely had no idea how to do that - should I tell her I loved her? should I tell her that I was so incredibly angry? Should I tell her I was afraid to leave? I think that the fact that I really had no idea what to say - what I wanted to say - really helped the first few days. Because I was so confused about what I wanted to say/wanted to happen that it helped me to push it off a little while until I was more in control of how I was feeling. Does this sound like what you are going through?
What ended up happening was that I started seeing my current therapist twice a week. And we talked about her. We talked about nothing else - just her.
When I left her my voice mail, I fully expected that I would *have* to (be required to, not have an option about) see her one more time. That's what happens in therapy, right? You see them one last time to tie things up. I was terrified of seeing her. She hurt me so much that I didn't think I would have any control over myself and that was terrifying (to a good control freak like me). We probably spent three weeks talking about what I would say to her/what I wanted her to say to me. During that time I was starting to calm down a little. I hadn't talked to her in a while - and I was surviving. One session we got to the "But I don't think I can face her again" part, and I finally figured out that it might be OK to not face her again. That maybe I *didn't* have to have that "last session". I really didn't want to see her, but I thought I *had* to. But my new therapist gave me permission to not see her again.
What a relief! I didn't have to follow the "rules" if the rules weren't good for me (gee, what a concept!). Then we were able to start moving on from her to talking about me, and we started (3 or 4 weeks into therapy) to do some "history".
She works in the same office as my psychiatrist, so I knew that I would see her at some point, but that is a story for another day.
I know it is hard (boy do I know...). But you took a lot of time and effort and research (i.e. talking to us, your ex, your new/transitional therapist) to come to this decision. Hold fast to the decision for now. Know that you can always change your mind later - but hold fast to it for now.
In retrospect, I am REALLY glad that she didn't call me back and ask to see me again. I think that her not calling was actually professional competence (but it still hurts that she didn't call...). I think it would have been harder for me if she did call. I do (now) believe that she cares about me [gee, I'm tearing up just writing this now - 18 months later]. But she wasn't the right one to help me. Sigh.
So, how do you get through this? See your transitional therapist. Decide with her if you will stay with her, or find a permanent therapist. Try to convince yourself that if your old therapist doesn't call that she is being professionally competent - not that she doesn't care. If she DOES call, tell her you are working with your transitional therapist, and that if it seems appropriate in the future that you will call and schedule another session with her.
Post on Babble, Post on Babble, Post on Babble. Tell your ex what you are doing so he can say "Good. That is a good thing to be doing." Don't try to talk about this with people who haven't been in longterm therapy... they won't have a clue. But we do. And I do. My email is babble fallsfall - it is a hotmail account - or babblemail works, too.
I survived. And I'm really glad I changed therapists. So it can be a good thing - it can be the right thing. Be nice to yourself. This is the time to eat lots of ice cream, and do what YOU want to do (even if people give you strange looks). What are you doing for your vacation? Are you going somewhere? With people you like? Will you have internet access (if not, go to the public library wherever you end up on vacation - they should have public access internet)? This is one of those "one day at a time" kinds of things. Make sure you have an appointment with your transitional therapist for when you get back from vacation (I *always* do better if I have a future appointment, so I know I just have to survive until then). Ask her if you can call (and discuss logistics - should you call at a particular time? If you call how long will it take for her to call back? How long will she be willing to talk on the phone? Will she charge you (if it is a long enough call to do much good, she will charge you - this is OK. Then you don't have to feel like you are imposing on her)?)
Post, post, post.
You can do this. I'll help.
poster:fallsfall
thread:416384
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041113/msgs/417067.html