Posted by mair on September 22, 2004, at 13:33:43
In reply to Re: I wonder if she made it worse » mair, posted by Aphrodite on September 22, 2004, at 8:11:44
You're right - I absolutely do think of it as a gift to my husband. Right now I don't feel like I give him anything positive, other than all the household stuff he could then pay someone else to do significantly better than I do it. He has so little flexibility in his life - the $$ would open up lots of choices he just can't make now.
And the work stuff really is complicated by the fact that he works with me. I know I haven't provided alot of detail but the issue here is the very unfair way I'm compensated, an issue, which my T observed, has been building up for years. That it has become such a front burner issue is all my doing - I can't continue under the current system - I just can't suppress (or subjugate) all the stuff I could before. My T only attaches alot of importance to it because she knows I do, and because she knows that it triggers an awful lot of feelings about my own worth (really lack of worth). Things on this front look so much worse now because I recently found out secondhanded what the stance is of one of my colleagues, and for now, I'm buying into his dim view of me. My husband is on my side as far as the compensation issue goes, but he has no sense of how it's intertwined with my mental health. And I don't want him to know because I don't want that (my mental health) to dictate any decisions he might make. I'm fearful that if he gets drawn into this, that's precisely what will happen.
So I'm in this awful place where I don't feel at all up to addressing this issue with my colleagues, but I also can't continue.
I don't know where my kids fit into this. I miss them when I even think for a second about not being around, and I know they need me, or at least that they certainly need me not to do this to them. But I'm also feeling crushed by the weight of believing that I continually disappoint people, and continually fail to give them what they need. I just really feel now like I've let my family down.
Thanks so much for everyone's kind responses. It's helped to try to articulate this. I have a great deal of difficulty filling in details - there are a lot more permutations to this than I've written here - my T knows this about me too so it's always tough for her to really figure out what's going on. She has to guess alot about what I'm not telling her. I certainly haven't told her about the suicidal thinking, but I know she's inferred it anyway. I'm not an impulsive person so I'm not unsafe right now.
Thanks again. You guys are the greatest.
poster:mair
thread:393431
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/393710.html