Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2004, at 12:47:23
In reply to Re: reality vs fantasay (long), posted by lucy stone on September 18, 2004, at 22:49:42
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My T is trying to make me see that my father will never be the father I deserved to have, and he says I need to give up on that idea and mourn that loss. Like you, I tell him that I don't know how to grieve that loss...I also never grieved the loss of my mother in a real way and I also need to do that grieving. He says that I do know how, and at some point the grieving will just happen. I'm still waiting for that. I think he expects it to happen when we start our termination process. I am terrified of termination and have asked if I can still keep seeing him once or week or so even after we stop the analysis. He says yes, hesitantly, I know he doesn't want to expect that to happen. As I said in a previous post, he says I can live without the real him, it's the fantasy him I can't live without. He says that the feelings I will have around the loss of termination are as important as any others feelings and I think he expects that to trigger the grieving. We'll see, I guess.
>I had a somewhat similar experience as a child. My mother is still alive, but she was often anxious and depressed. She is also somewhat narcissistic. Being a sensitive child, I experienced the void from her inability to meet my needs acutely. I still seem to long for her caring and love, to feel that security in a loving attachment. But through therapy I think I have finally learned that I continue to go to an empty well for water. That was a hard lesson to learn, and it doesn't mean that I don't still peer into that well longinly at times.
My dad is an alcoholic, also travelled a lot for business, and although he never really flew into rages, he was quite demanding. He is also narcissistic, and treated us very much as reflections of him. This meant we had to be perfect children, like little adults. My stuff related to him is an intense fear of failure and rejection.
Although I am still working on these issues and always will to some respect, I think I have started grieving over the mother issue. I don't really know how it happened, but I can agree with your analyst that if you keep working, it will. In my case, I was remembering a time when I was in the hospital as a toddler, and feeling again scared and alone. My mother would usually "visit" me, but didn't spend significant periods of time making sure I was allright. And what toddler would feel safe and secure in a hospital for eye surgery. I remember waking up with bandages over my eyes and my hands restrained because I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia (PCP/angel dust anyone? Gotta love the late 60's). I was asking an essentially disembodied voice if they would untie me, and they couldn't until the doctor gave his okay. Where was my mother? I know in my heart if that were my child I would BE there. Especially when she woke up. Now I have always remembered this incident, but for some reason, I was much more open to feeling that pain, anger, and fear recently. And I began to sob uncontrollably for awhile. It felt very different to me than other times when I've cried. It felt like grieving. It had a quality to it that felt like movement towards a healing place rather than just experiencing pain as usual. That felt kind of good. Still had the damp dishrag aftermath, but it was okay.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I have started to set boundaries with my mother. I point out to her when on the phone she shifts back to her talk when I am talking about something important and need her attention. I also have been able to tell her that I understand she is concerned about the meds I am on (an MAOI), but it is my decision, and I don't want to hear her continually saying I MUST get off it ASAP. I sometimes just need information from her (she is a nurse). Although in time, I suppose I'll get my info. elsewhere, too.
I'm glad your T honors and respects the termination process. And I'm sure it will trigger a lot of feelings. I hope that it leads you to grieve if you haven't already. I can so understand your wish for reassurance that you can still see him down the road. A lot of T's view therapy as a life long process. Sometimes you actively engage in it, sometimes you sit with where you are at and work on your own. And sometimes you need that active engagement again. I know one of the things that was stressed in our training is to make sure that even if you only get to work with someone a very short time, you wanted to make sure to give that person a positive therapy experience so that they will be more likely to try again down the road when perhaps they are ready. It sounds like you have been ready, willing, and able for some time! :)
Also, I think I am going to bookmark your origninal post on this thread. It's such a good explanation about the power and usefullness of transference. That question comes up again and again, and your post was quite eloquent. Thanks for sharing that with us!
Be well,
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:392271
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/392618.html