Posted by fallsfall on September 7, 2004, at 7:55:42
In reply to Re: confession regarding therapist... » fallsfall, posted by Pandabear on September 6, 2004, at 22:21:32
Oftentimes our relationships with out therapists mimic other relationships that we have had in the past. Before I went into therapy, I had a best friend. She was the one who encouraged me to see a therapist to begin with. I was very dependent on this friend - I always wanted to know where she was, what she was doing, I brought her dinner to her work so I could see her and she wouldn't be hungry. It was too intense.
When I started seeing the therapist, my friend backed away (because I WAS too intense), and I transferred the dependence onto my therapist.
You compared your curiosity about your therapist to the intrusive relationship you had with your friend. Clearly, the intrusiveness was a problem for your friend. Since you don't really talk about your friend being unreasonable (just like my friend wasn't unreasonable - it was *my* issue, not hers, though she had some issues of her own...), I would assume that you agree that you were too intrusive - that you would prefer not to get that intrusive with other people (because it would drive them away). If you are feeling that same intrusiveness with your therapist, then this would be a good time to explore why you have that need. With our therapists we can find out what the other person is really experiencing from us, and have a chance to try to explore the underlying reasons behind our issues. It really is a "therapeutic opportunity".
So (in theory), I would think that you should talk about this with your therapist. Can you talk about how the feelings are similar towards her to how they were with your friend?
I think that therapists are pretty used to talking about how their patients would like to be friends with them (but that it is not possible to do that). Talking about this with your therapist should be able to help this matter settle in your mind. Maybe you can get a better idea of what it is about her that makes you want to be her friend, then you can look for those qualities in other people. It sounds like she has good boundaries (i.e. telling you that it is not possible to be friends).
So, yes. I really do think that you should talk about both the need to find out about her and your desire to be friends with her.
HOWEVER. Different therapists are different. And different therapists react differently to patients' "research projects". I want to say that you should talk about what you *want*, but not talk about what you *did* until you know how she will react. But I know that if I told my therapist that I wanted to know where she lived, or about her children, or whatever that the first question out of her mouth would be "So, have you looked for this information?" or "What have you done about these needs?". And I know that I could never tell her that I had done nothing when I actually had done something. And I know that she would know in a second that I was trying to hide something from her. Like I said, I did have a therapist freak out on me about this stuff.
You could start talking about your friend and feeling intrusive and how that was a problem. Maybe start talking about the issue without talking about how you are feeling the issue with her. But with my therapists, I know it would get around to them.
So, in theory, I think that talking about it would be helpful to you. BUT it really does depend on your therapist, and how they feel about their privacy.
What kind of therapy does she do? Cognitive Behavioral, Psychodynamic, Humanistic? Sometimes I think that can make a difference.
You are asking a difficult question. I hope that you can get therapeutic benefit from this situation without it causing you undue pain.
poster:fallsfall
thread:387227
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/387536.html