Posted by tabitha on June 18, 2004, at 13:45:48
In reply to Hey Tab, posted by Susan J on June 18, 2004, at 12:19:25
Hi Sus, thanks for venturing into this board to support me. It means a lot.
> I'm so sorry that group therapy was awful a few days ago. I've never been so I don't know much about it. But two things struck me. Is it helpful/OK for the woman to tell you she's angry/jealous of you without having at least some idea *why?* I mean, it seems like it hurt you WAY MORE than is permissible if it was an attempt for the other woman to understand her own feelings. I don't think ANYONE should have to suffer like you did.
I guess I'm supposed to be more thick-skinned. But I'm not. I was trying to wrap my head around my therapist's view, that venting negative feelings removes barriers to intimacy, and I can see that it does work in my relationship with her (the therapist), because I feel better, and she doesn't get hurt by it. It just rolls off her, and she gives me approval for being open about it. But then, she's not really *in* the relationship, she doesn't expose any of herself to me. Whereas I feel totally exposed to this group.It's just the spin she's putting on it that I can't accept. If she'd say, yeah, maybe this woman doesn't like you so much, and maybe she's being kinda mean, but you need to learn to deal with attacks from people-- well then I think I'd be ready to continue. In fact I had said in my individual session, it was OK if she wasn't friendly to me, I didn't have to take it personally, maybe she just didn't want to bond with me because she was thinking of leaving group. So I had gotten to a point of being OK with her apparent unfriendliness. My therapist approved of this view. I used to really think this woman was mean and actively disliked me, and my therapist had practically beat that viewpoint out of me, saying I was filtering, and I was creating a block by expecting rejection, so after a long and difficult struggle, I had gotten to the modified viewpoint. Then hearing her true feelings, they're even worse than I imagined, and I can't help thinking my therapist must have known about her feelings from their sessions. So *why* did she talk me into trusting her? Was it like a gamble, she talks me into taking down my walls, thinking maybe that woman would meantime warm up to me, but that didn't happen, so there I am, with my walls down when the attack comes.
And I can't let go of the image of how much approval she was getting from the therapist while saying all this. Practically being egged on. Contrasted with how much disapproval I got in the phone session for being angry and hurt by it. Why is her anger and jealousy an OK thing to be defended, yet my anger and hurt are from distorted thinking, and just get me disapproval?
>
> And about being alone. God, can I relate. I've been very lonely recently and am practically dying to have a boyfriend or something like that. perhaps not the healthiest, but whatever. But one thing I wanted to tell you that I don't think you are *choosing* to be alone, and so of course you are *not* alright with it. Maybe you are like me, though. I personally don't want to spend time with just anyone for the heck of it. Being with certain people can be even worse than being alone. Ideally, I want to spend time with people I care about or at least compatible with. And if there aren't that many people around you like that right now, that might be why you are choosing your own company over that of others.
>Thanks for the reminder. That's what has happened. I've had different social networks and found them to be unsatisfying, or just not rewarding enough for the effort required to maintain them. The therapy and group was supposed to teach me to have more satisfying relationships. That's the whole point.
> Plus, daggit, it's HARD meeting compatible people in this world. Really, really hard. Sometimes people with families close by just don't see that because they havent had to exercise the social skills in a while to make new friends.
I think so. This woman has lived in the same town her whole life. I think that has to make a difference. And this is a tough town. I've known several people who've moved here, tried to get established and failed, and moved away, and had success elsewhere. But if I was back in my hometown I don't think I'd be much different actually. I just don't fit so well. She's extraverted and has conservative values, maybe there are more kindred spirits, I don't know. But here I go, round and round, trying to make sense of it. I used to really blame myself and feel ashamed, and I had worked and struggled and nearly gotten to a point of not being ashamed, and now I'm doubting myself all over again. I'm ready to do the sham relationships, just hang onto the unsatisfying ones so I'm not in the shameful position of having no-one, but I've already been there and done that, and had decided alone was preferable, and I swear my therapist approved of that, and now I'm getting flak for the results. It's maddening.
poster:tabitha
thread:357301
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357860.html