Posted by Racer on June 12, 2004, at 16:45:15
In reply to Re: Any amateur therps wanna take this on? » Racer, posted by Pfinstegg on June 12, 2004, at 16:10:05
Sorry, I know that sounds like "Yes, but..." and it really and truly isn't:
Lexapro was a nightmare for me, even at half the lowest dosage tablet. And it's what I used when I tried to kill myself last year, so Dr EyeCandy would know something was really wrong if I asked for it. (I got almost catatonic on it, even at that low a dose.)
Wellbutrin is right out -- I've even asked him about it, because that's what they put me on in the hospital and I thought it was starting to kick in. I have a history of head injuries, including a fractured skull, which raises the risk of seizure. (But my history doesn't include any eating disorders, because my periods never stopped.) I have asked if we could try it anyway, and he says no way, no how, no chance.
The other problem is that I can't ask him to treat me as an 'interim' sort of thing. If the clinic found out that I could have gotten into the HMO -- regardless of why I didn't -- they'd drop me and I'd be totally without any safety net at all. I have to approach him as if he's The One. (Yeah, *I* know that I'll have the insurance coming, so it does take some pressure off of me, which is good. But I can't say, "Listen, Dr EyeCandy, you only have to tide me over for another six months, so let's try something, no matter what to get me through it, 'K?")
I really hate to sound like "yes, but..." over this, because I really appreciate the fact that you do care. It feels good that people who understand because they've been through it care enough about me to respond to my questions. Thank you.
Another part of the problem, though, is that I can't just say that I'll take something for six months and if I get fat, it's only for six months. That's the real issue I'm trying to realign in myself right now. Getting fat would be worse than death to me, you know? That's the real base of my resistance, getting fat would be worse than death, it would be worse than feeling the way I feel now, I would much rather just die now than to get fat from the drugs again. (The anorgasmia would only matter if I had a sex life, right?) I know -- I really and truly do know -- that that is ridiculous, and I truly hate myself for feeling that way. I'm also so ashamed of it -- after all, it's just as bad for anyone else, why should I expect to be any different? Why should it matter so much more to me than to everyone else? lol Guess anyone who's suffered from depression knows the whole self-loathing litany involved in that sort of thing, right?
Thanks, pfin. By the way, what does your name signify?
poster:Racer
thread:356092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356113.html