Posted by Racer on June 12, 2004, at 14:33:53
Sorry, I know that this is something I will have to cover with my therapist and I will, but I have a little bit of a time constraint that makes it a bit of a priority for me this weekend. My next appointment with my brand new still shiny T is Thursday, and my next appointment with Dr EyeCandy is Tuesday, and this relates to Dr EyeCandy and impairs my ability to function effectively with him. That's why I'm trying to get a little bit of a jump on working on this -- even if it's working on my own, with or without assistance from others who might have similar experiences.
Those of you who "know" me from what I've written here already know that I'm pretty gunshy at this point to begin with, and that I'm pretty desperate for some relief, but being so scared off already, I'm pretty avoidant right now. Makes getting that relief pretty damned hard, huh? And, trying to get relief from a place and a person who has been such a nightmare for so long is even harder. (At this point, the thought of seeing any pdoc for any drug is overwhelming for me. I am not sure I'd be able to see another doctor at this point, without being shackled to get me in the door.) That's the basic background. Now for the specific issue I want to try to get under control before Tuesday, so that I can be as close to effective in his office as I am currently capable of being.
I can't ever remember feeling better. I can remember taking drugs and having a "good response" to them in the past, but I don't remember what that really meant, I don't remember feeling better. What I do remember, quite vividly, was being fat, lethargic, constipated, and anorgasmic. I remember the utter despair of starving myself, exercising compulsively, and still watching the numbers on the scale rise dramatically, no matter what I did, how little I ate, how much time I spent on the cardio machines. I remember splitting my skirts because I couldn't afford new clothes. I remember just giving the hell up over it. I remember giving up in the middle of an exercise routine because I was too lethargic, there was too much pressure in my gut, and it didn't matter anyway. Those are the things I remember. And I really cannot see how that would be a net improvement in my life.
Yeah, I know that I could do things while I was taking those drugs that I couldn't do before, and can't do now. But all I really remember is how hard I worked, and how little it got me -- even in the short term, especially when you factor in the weight gain. (And the Effexor experience is both the most recent and the worst for scaring me off -- by the end of about 18 months, I was unable to get out of bed for days on end, and couldn't stop crying. I'd cry until I was sick. Then, as if that wasn't enough, it took eight solid months, with plenty of misery involved the whole time, to taper down and off of it. Can't imagine how remembering that nightmare would make me even more resistant to the idea of taking another drug, can you?)
Can anyone offer anything to help me get at least through the door to Dr EyeCandy's office? Preferably some suggestions of things I can do that might help me actually try to talk to him? A big part of what I perceive to be the problem is that he won't listen to any of this stuff -- he just gets that exasperated tone and orders a new drug. If there's any problem, he just says, "stop taking it."
I know. That isn't a possibility right now. In January, I'll be able to get a new pdoc, and I've even gotten a solid referral to one I am looking forward to working with. Between now and January, though, I have access to Dr EyeCandy. Period. No other options.
And beyond Tuesday, Dr EyeCandy and our marriage counselor (who, you'll remember, supervises my new therapist) spoke yesterday. She got him to agree to try to coordinate efforts for my care. So, at some point, I will probably ask my new therapist to call him and express some of this to him as something that he could really help me just by taking seriously. Because you know what? I do think that, if he would just take my concerns seriously, rather than dismissing them as totally irrelevant, it would help me. Even if he had to say that there was nothing to be done about it, just taking it seriously would help me adjust to being fat as a damned house.
Sorry. Today is a very, very bad day for me.
poster:Racer
thread:356092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/356092.html