Posted by tabitha on June 11, 2004, at 1:21:40
In reply to Re: Core belief to Tabitha » coral, posted by tabitha on June 11, 2004, at 0:58:29
She wants me to write down all my negative beliefs. That should be easy enough-- I've probably got a hundred of them.
It wasn't a great session. I was pretty down, and when I'm down I sometimes just talk out of the critical voice, and even exaggerate it. She says it comes across like I'm trying to do it for shock value, or comic effect or something. She says I have to quit indulging that voice. I can be more balanced. In fact I think I indulge the critical voice more in therapy than anywhere. I was more balanced for a few moments in the session, and she gave me all this approval. She asked me how it felt in my body when I'm saying more balanced things, but what I was really noticing is that's how to get her approval. Like a puppy being trained or something. So she wants me to stay in my higher self more often (by that I mean just me talking out of my adult self more).
Then I complained that I was in my higher self for a couple months, but it was a lot of work, and my life circumstances didn't really get better, and besides, some people actually connect with me better when I'm not in my higher self. And when I'm in my higher self it seems there's not much to talk about in therapy, so she asked if I'm afraid of losing the relationship if I get better, and I got teared up, so maybe I am afraid of that.
We had talked a lot about how I'm self-rejecting. And I asked, doesn't everyone feel undesirable and flawed deep inside? She said depressed people do, and that I'm on the extreme end of the self-rejecting scale compared to others. I didn't realize that.
She had me do a chair exercise, and wanted me to say nice things to my little girl, and tell her why she's desirable. I really couldn't do it very well. I came up with funny, smart, and creative, but somehow I wasn't even saying those things sincerely. I thought I was, but she said it didn't sound sincere. Then I said how I couldn't just go around feeling wonderful about myself, and she said I'm being black and white, that I'm thinking it's either self-rejection or narcissism, but there's gray area between them. Well, I'm not so good with gray area. Anyway, I felt bad for not being able to compliment my little girl sincerly. I thought maybe I could do it better in the privacy of my room, without an audience. But really I don't think it's going to be very easy no matter what. I've always been pretty stumped when asked to list good things about myself. I usually have to rake through my memory for compliments others have given me. Isn't that something, that I can't come up with things on my own? Doesn't seem right.
poster:tabitha
thread:355290
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/355617.html