Posted by tabitha on June 10, 2004, at 1:54:19
I keep trying to post about this issue that came up in group, with me having my little crush on a guy, and feeling horribly embarrassed to admit it, no matter how much everyone reassures me. But I get horribly embarrassed writing about it, so I delete it.
Anyway, just to summarize, and leave out the embarrassing parts, what it comes down to is my inner critic keeps telling me no one will ever want me, and therefore I should be horribly ashamed of wanting anyone else, of having the feelings, and especially admitting them to anyone. When I started to think about this belief, that I'm just not wantable, or not attractive, or some kind of reject of the mating game, or whatever it's saying, well the entire history of my dating life makes more sense.
The thing is, I just can't imagine what it would feel like to *not* have this belief. It's so ingrained. I think it started when I was really really young. Like it goes back to losing my dad at age 5, or maybe something with my mom, I don't know, but I remember being ashamed of my crushes in kindergarten. Even at that young age, I knew such feelings were just sources of embarrassment that had to be hidden.
And as a teen, I didn't get dates until I learned to get drunk and throw myself at guys, and I'd always think he was going to be my new boyfriend afterward, which never happened, so it was like I was fighting the voice, saying 'see? boys do want me!' but then when they didn't become my new boyfriend, it was like the voice always won. 'See? no one will want you!' And I kept acting out that terrible cycle for a long time, never picking up on the obvious social norm that getting drunk and throwing yourself at a boy is not the way to get a boyfriend.
So I grew up and stopped acting out that pattern, in fact started attracting men who seemed needy to me, and too eager to latch on, but having these needy men want me didn't change the belief one bit. I think they don't want me, they're just acting out their own desperate fear that no one will want them. So I can still remain convinced no one will want me (well at least, no one that I want will want me)
Last spring I dated a guy and it seemed we wanted each other equally. It was like I'd finally found the right balance. It was so cool. But he turned out to be not such a good choice for a long-term partner. Did that change my belief about being wantable? Well it felt like it at the time, but I think I've gone right back to believing I'll never get a date again. Or maybe I'll get a date in another decade or so, if some miracle happens, but most of my life is doomed to be loveless and sexless and romanceless, and I'll just go on having my crushes on starbucks employees. That's how my mind works.
I'm not sure what to do with this insight. I really don't get how to fight this belief, or what it would feel like to shed it. Would the world be a wonderful welcoming playground full of cute guys who want me? Or is that going a bit too far in the opposite direction?
poster:tabitha
thread:355290
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/355290.html