Posted by Racer on June 5, 2004, at 19:42:03
In reply to Speaking of transference (long), posted by gardenergirl on June 5, 2004, at 18:31:10
You know, that's similar to something I went through, years back, in my own much more successful therapy phase. What we talked a lot about was my mother not protecting me, making me 'protect' her from an early age. I was angry, of course, and hurt, and I remember one session very, very well:
me, crying unconsolably: "But since my mother never protected me, never comforted me, never helped me, never made me secure, how will I ever manage to feel secure?" (OK, words to that effect -- what stands out was how pre-verbal the whole thing felt to me at the time, just a bottomless well of pain.)
I don't remember much about the process now, but I do know that I did get past the overwhelming anger and need, and did form a much better relationship with my mother. (Not, of course, that she suddenly became a Good Enough Parent, nor that I suddenly became a securely balanced person. Just that I came to accept what didn't happen more, and did learn to find some better security inside myself, and learn to admit my own areas of competancy.)
Anyway, what I wanted to say is this: while we were working on it, I was in so much pain that I thought nothing would ever salve it. I was so emotionally needy that I could never be satisfied, could never feel secure, could never have a relationship with anyone at all (meaning friendship, acquaintanceship, professional, etc, as well as romantic), and was destined to spend the remainder of my life in abject despair. Damn, that was a really terrible time in my life, and it went on too long.
But it passed. I still get a few twinges of pain about my childhood, and about being so unprotected, and I think I already told you about my recent adventures in FamilyLand which always brings it all back up again, but they're twinges now. I haven't been back to that abyss in 15 years. Even when I do look back, during depressive episodes like now, I look back with a certain grief for the child I was, and a recognition that some of it still affects me daily, but not with the same hopeless misery. Now, even in my current state, I am still able to look at it as something that happened and that I still need to work on.
OK, translation into Basic Meaning:
It does get better. I promise. But first you have to go visit the Abyss of Despair.
(Think of it as being like Pilgrim's Progress: you gotta spend a day or two at the Slough of Despond...)
By the way, you're wonderful and brave. There are few things more devastating than car accidents. The shock alone is enough to throw anyone @$$ over teakettle. You made it through a major trauma, and you learned you could trust [hubby] to be there for you, despite your fears.
poster:Racer
thread:354107
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040603/msgs/354129.html