Posted by pegasus on March 31, 2004, at 17:39:53
In reply to Childhood, posted by lonelygirl on March 31, 2004, at 17:11:11
Oh, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I think in a different way my family has also been both an asset and a major challenge for me. They have a style of relating that involves a lot of verbal sparring, and sometimes some very aggressive verbal fights, where terribly mean things are said. I grew up having these types of fights with everyone in my family, and it seems as though the goal of them was always to inflict the largest amount of pain. So, they've said some really horrible things to me, and me to them. Now as a grown up, I've chosen to learn a different way of relating, and I can hardly stand to be around them when they get into it. But I get sucked in, and have no idea what to do about that.
And then, on the other hand, I know they love me, and they've been incredibly supportive in some ways. There was no real "abuse", although they believed in physical punishment. My mom has said some very kind and wonderful things to me in recent years. But I don't remember any of that from my childhood. I just remember a lot of yelling, and fear.
So, anyway, this has come up for me in therapy too. Whenever I try to explain how it felt being a child in that family, I feel like I make it sound like they were hateful people. And maybe in some ways they were, but in some ways they were the exact opposite. My old T used to reassure me that he didn't assume that the pieces I told him about them were the whole story. My new T, when I bring up that difficulty, invited me to tell her what I thought she needed to hold in mind about my family while I told her the hard parts about them. So I told her about having dinner together every night, and playing games together, and laughing, and taking vacations, and a lot of the good parts. It does feel better to have explained that to her, but I still feel like I'm not representing them correctly in therapy.
Will you let me know how it goes if you bring this up with your T?
- p
poster:pegasus
thread:330942
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040327/msgs/330952.html