Posted by lonelygirl on March 31, 2004, at 17:11:11
In my last session, we were talking about when I was in high school and my parents, among other things. I mentioned that my parents hate me and regard me a failure, and he asked me if they said that. I said, "Well, not often."
Now I am feeling guilty for saying that. I feel like now he has the impression that my parents are always like that. The truth is that they are ok most of the time, though pretty strict, and they tell me they love me more often than they tell me they hate me. They've always been generous and provided for me and probably done what they thought was best for me, even if they were wrong sometimes. So whenever I say anything bad about them, I end up feeling like I've betrayed them. I also feel guilty because I know there are a lot of people who had things a lot worse -- they were beaten all the time or sexually abused or neglected (or all of the above) -- and I sort of feel like I am disrespecting these people because my problems pale in comparison.
On the other hand, there were times that my parents made my life a living hell, and things they did that hurt me a lot. Things that still hurt and have probably had lasting effects on my life. They've also said things, to me and about me (when they didn't know I could hear them). Sometimes it was just out of anger, during arguments, but there are things that they have repeated enough times that I know they are true (for example, my father has repeatedly referred to me as "a cancer on the family"). But it's not like it was unprovoked; I know that everything they said was my fault, because of things I did or said. I'm sure I have told them I hate them many more times than they've said they hate me.
Sometimes, I really don't know what to think about my parents. For most of the past 5 years, I have been living away from home, and I get along with them much better when we're 2,000 miles apart. They are usually ok when I come home for breaks, though we still get in some arguments. I guess I know that my parents "love" me, but at the same time, I am acutely aware of the fact that I am a huge disappointment to them, I've caused them a lot of problems, and they would honestly be better off if I had never been born.
I don't know if I should clarify myself next time or not. It just seems like my parents have these two conflicting identities and I'm not sure whether to love them or hate them. I think it's hard for other people to understand. Sometimes, I get annoyed when people think that I'm so lucky that I have such a great family and I'm so "close" with them, because they have no idea about all the times that they really hurt me. But on the other hand, if I talk about the bad things and people end up thinking they're horrible, I feel like I have exaggerated and I should defend them.
poster:lonelygirl
thread:330942
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040327/msgs/330942.html