Posted by lonelygirl on March 21, 2004, at 0:37:16
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » lonelygirl, posted by Dinah on March 20, 2004, at 21:17:16
Well, I'm sure he wants to help me, no matter how much he dislikes me, because that's his job. I guess I respect him for not letting his personal feelings about me get in the way of trying to help me, but it still drives me crazy...
The problem with trusting someone is that you never really can. You can go for years trusting someone in every way. As long as he continues to uphold your trust, you think that he is trustworthy. But at any point in the future, he can simply decide that he no longer needs your trust, and stab you in the back, so to speak. At this point, you know that he was really untrustworthy all along. The only time you can be certain about the trustworthiness of an individual is if he proves himself NOT to be trustworthy. Or maybe if he goes to the grave without ever betraying your trust. He said, "I'm not going to abandon you." Well, that's fine, as long as he doesn't, but what if, say, he found out that I like him romantically and he was uncomfortable with that and decided to terminate? Then his promise will mean nothing, and he won't care because it won't matter to him any more whether or not I believe him.
I don't mean to disparage your relationship with your therapist (or anyone else's with theirs), and I hope my writing about this hasn't made anyone else worried... I suppose that if he has proven his trust in something (for example, if you told him you loved him and he was ok with it), then you could be fairly confident that you could at least trust him with things smaller than that, and if you have that, it's good. You're lucky.
But yeah, I hate the attachment. I think almost any relationship is at least a little bit lopsided -- one person needs the other more than vice versa. I don't think I have ever been on the good side of that. The last time I had a "real" friend was about 6 or 7 years ago, when I was in high school; she was my only friend, but she had other friends. I was constantly having to fight for her attention. I always had to be the one to call her (she never called me first); I was always the one to invite her over; I wrote to her at summer camp every day for a month, and felt lucky to hear back from her 3 or 4 times. I put up with it only because I knew that she could ditch me any second and barely miss me, but the same thing would be devastating to me. It is similar with my psychologist. Although he is human too and he probably likes to have my approval, he doesn't need it. He already has a wife, and friends, and people who really care about him, so even if I were to hurt him, he could brush it off pretty easily. But he has this enormous amount of power over me, because he is the only one who pays any attention to me, and the only one who is nice to me, and the more addicted I get to him, the more devastating it would be for me to find out he hates me.
poster:lonelygirl
thread:326335
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040313/msgs/326605.html