Posted by cubic_me on February 2, 2004, at 6:39:39
In reply to Re: As for that calculator watch.., posted by gardenergirl on January 30, 2004, at 21:55:13
There are so many reasons I SI it would take me an hour to think of them all, and sometimes I don't even know why I do it. Often I don't feel like SIing when I'm most depressed - I don't have the energy, I tend to do it when I'm going into or out of a depressive phase.
I often do it just to feel and see the pain in a more 'acceptable' way to me. I wasn't allowed emotional pain when I was growing up, and my need to transfer emotional pain into physical pain may have stemmed from there. When I feel that I need to see pain or blood, I cut.
I do it because I hate myself and the person I am. When I feel like that I often cut words or get angry at myself and can get quite destructive.
When I'm trying to look 'happy' around my friends/family I feel like it helps me when I know I've got cuts, because even though I look happy, I still know that I'm not - I feel like I am still partly me (if that makes any sense!)
The pain of cutting/hitting/twisting joints etc is also a distraction from internal pain. I find myself more able to cope with 'external' pain. Its a pain I can control (unlike what's inside) and I know that it won't be there forever (unlike what's inside).
I find it really hard to talk about why I SI in person. Maybe verbalising it makes me more shocked at what I do to myself that I would like. At the moment I don't want to be changed, SI is half working for me as a coping mechanism, and until I find something that works better I'm unlikely to stop. I just want someone to listen to me and help me feel better before they try to change my behaviour.
poster:cubic_me
thread:307246
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/308419.html