Posted by DaisyM on January 22, 2004, at 19:28:16
I've been having a really rough week. Like, inside the black hole of self-hatred, kind of week. Slowly, I'm being dragged back out of it, by supportive Babblers and my Therapist. Today I actually noticed that the fog had cleared and the sun came out (weather, not my brain...Ok, maybe some of both!)
Anyway, I had a session today and I told my therapist about a horrible dream I had last night. In it I dreamed that I was being murdered. After discussing some of the other details, he asked, "do you see any of yourself in the murderer?" I said, "well, I hadn't thought about that aspect but certainly I have been unhappy with myself this week plus there is a part of me that is really frightened of what we have been talking about and would like the rest of me to keep it secret again. So, yeah, it could be me killing me." He then looked straight at me and very seriously asked if I had serious thoughts about killing myself this week. I said, "well, no, not really serious." He said, "but you have thought about it?" I hesitated for a long minute and admitted to the thoughts. (I couldn't lie to him with that gaze going on, he would have known!) He then asked me if I would tell him if I thought about it again...especially seriously. I told him I would try. He then asked me to tell him what I had been thinking...how I would do it, etc.
The conversation was almost surreal -- I didn't intend to have it. We were both so calm and so matter-of-fact. I wouldn't have told him at all if he didn't ask. I'm telling him about all the loose ends I'd have to tie up, all the responsibilities I'd have to make sure were taken care of, etc. I look at him and in my most professionally calm, directorish voice, said, "If I ever decided that this was the answer and I was done, I wouldn't F*** with it. I'd be done." He said, "So not a cry for help. But you'd call me first, right?"
I realized on my way home that I didn't ask what he would do if I did call him and say, "hey, I'm thinking about blah, blah."
So here is my question:
Have you had a similar discussion with your Therapist? What is their response?
poster:DaisyM
thread:304358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/304358.html