Posted by fallsfall on January 23, 2004, at 8:08:56
In reply to Re: Admitting Thoughts - Caution, could trigger » Dinah, posted by DaisyM on January 22, 2004, at 23:15:10
Daisy,
I've had the conversation about thinking about hurting myself, thinking about killing myself, and even having a solid plan with a time schedule and complete intent to carry it out. The only good thing about that time was that the schedule was 3 years out - I have to get my daughter through high school first.
The conversations are a little strange, but I always felt that I just needed to keep telling her what was happening, and what I was thinking. I believe that it moderated the fear and feelings somewhat to talk about them. It made them less "crazy".
She used to make me promise to call her before I did something awful, and (after a fashion) I did promise. There was one day that she was about 2 minutes away from committing me to the hospital, though. I learned that when the thoughts and plans get out of my control that the hospital is a good place to be.
Unfortunately, I got pretty used to the thoughts (both of hurting and killing myself). I now don't get scared unless I have a real desire to act on those thoughts. I do try to take special care of myself when I am thinking that way, and if it comes back after being gone for a while I want to think that I mention it in therapy (hmm... I suppose I should mention that in therapy...). A Psychiatrist in the hospital discharged me while I was still having lots and lots of dangerous thoughts - he told me that I would be thinking that way for a long time and that I needed to find a way to manage it. He couldn't keep me in the hospital long enough (months or a year) for those thoughts to dissipate. He was right. It took a long time for them to go away, but they did eventually.
I don't get as freaked now as I used to, because I know that I can have the thoughts, but not act on them. The thoughts tell me that serious stuff is going on and that I need to deal with it seriously. If I don't, then I'll end back up in the hospital.
Your therapist would much rather have you talk about this than keep it a secret. Keeping this stuff a secret gives it much more power - talking about it really takes the power away. Write it down if you don't think you can say it with words outloud.
As long as you still ultimately want to live, you CAN deal with this. When you decide (even for just a minute) that you truly want to die, please call your therapist or go to the Emergency room right away.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting this much.
poster:fallsfall
thread:304358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040123/msgs/304536.html