Posted by fallsfall on January 14, 2004, at 11:05:49
I am in a strange space these days. I slide into really deep depressions for a short time (last night I HAD to lie down - couldn't sleep, but couldn't move either; Saturday was a day when I was so completely overwhelmed that I didn't want to see my kids or anyone else (even my daughter who leaves for a semester in France on Friday) - all I could do was watch some movies). The rest of the time, I'm just my normally severely depressed self.
I got really angry at my therapist on Monday. We were talking about how I talk to you guys about my therapy, and I have email/IM conversations about therapy, too. He has never seemed too keen about online stuff, so I don't mention it a lot, and I don't think he knew how much I talk about the therapy. He finally said "So, you need therapy to survive your therapy?" - and I agreed, I do. And he asked if I needed therapy to survive the friendships that allow me to survive therapy, and I said yes to that too - sometimes.
His first concern was that I would "dilute" what went on in our sessions by talking about it outside of sessions. He suggested (though didn't accuse me) that things were being said about therapy that he didn't hear about (because they were said with my friends, instead of with him). I told him that therapy patients often don't tell their therapists everything, but that I thought that I was more open and honest than most. He said "You think my patients don't tell me everything???" He was shocked that I would say "yes" to that. I really think he should read Babble. I wouldn't mind if he did - I'm honestly not trying to hide anything. But I don't think he would take the time to do it.
Anyway, so he found it "interesting" that I regularly talk about therapy. He uses the word "interesting" because once he used the word "strange" instead and I interpreted that he wasn't pleased with what I was doing. I started to get defensive because I really think I wouldn't make it through therapy if I didn't talk about it between sessions. He said that he wasn't going to tell me that what I'm doing is "wrong" - it is "his role to *comment* on what is said in the session, not to tell me what to do or not to do". But it seems pretty clear to me that he's not happy with what I'm doing. I would be willing to try something different, if he thinks that it would help. But I can't figure out what I should be doing differently.
He wants me to tell him everything. OK, well, he's going to have to be my shadow. 2 50 minute sessions a week isn't enough time to tell everything. I have to decide what is important and talk about that. But then he doesn't like the way I prioritize things. My old therapist would read my journalling - that gave me the chance to tell her things that wouldn't fit into the session. Now I do that with you guys (somehow I prefer to have some feedback from SOME person on my journalling). He won't read my journalling (or he said that he wouldn't promise to read it, and asked how I would feel if I gave him something and he didn't read it?). So I figure that talking with friends will fill that void, but now he doesn't want me to do that.
My old therapist was really big on getting a support network together (which I have). But it seems like my new guy doesn't want me to use it. I'm confused.
When I started getting defensive (I need to talk to someone, he's not available all the time, so what does he want me to do?) he said that he just wanted me to be "curious" about why I do it this way. *I* know why I do it this way. I don't know how everybody else does it.
So this leads me to getting angry that he doesn't like what I'm doing (and he won't even tell me that he doesn't like it... but if he did like it we wouldn't be talking about it, so that sort of proves that he doesn't like it), but he won't tell me what to do instead. I can handle being "wrong" if I know how to correct it. I really hate being "wrong" when I have no idea what I should be doing to be "right".
Do they really expect us to believe that they don't think things we do are "right" or "wrong"? We don't spend time on the "right" things. So, if he keeps asking about something, am I incorrect to assume that this something has to be "wrong"? Why won't they tell us what do to - when they know what they want us to do? They DO tell us what to do - their job is to manipulate us into doing the "better" thing. If I don't know what I'm supposed to do, why won't he tell me?
It's like a cruel guessing game, where there IS no right answer.
I know that thinking he is mad at me when he isn't is one of my transference issues. And there is probably some of that mixed in here. But I KNOW he's not happy about me talking about therapy (or needing therapy for therapy) - because otherwise we wouldn't be talking about it. My issue is that I don't know what to do instead.
I'm sorry if this is really disjointed, but that is where my brain is these days.
I could use some help...
poster:fallsfall
thread:300607
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040110/msgs/300607.html