Posted by Karen_kay on December 31, 2003, at 16:51:12
In reply to Re: Can we try this again, posted by pegasus on December 31, 2003, at 14:16:23
Well.... Ok. I'm not going to try to defend him. First of all, I'm angry at him. I'm always angry at him. I think it's healthy. I mean I can't be angry at my dad because I feel like it's my fault he's dead, so I'll just be angry at the next best thing.
And I don't become offended or insulted if someone says something bad about him, I'll be the first to jump in and join!
I agree about the phone call situation. He did apologize and I could tell that he felt bad. It wasn't an emergency, I just needed some advice. I think more importantly I needed to hear his voice before he left town for two weeks.
And during the silence, he tried to get me to talk but I just couldn't. He finally gave up. Afterwards he asked what I was thinking and I was being honest and said "Nothing." I wasn't thinking anything. I was FEELING a lot. I felt like I was losing control. But he explained that I was assuming control of the situation by not talking, the fondation of therapy. I finally explained to him that I was on the verge of crying and that even though I knew I would get brownie pointw with him by crying I couldn't/wouldn't cry in front of him. I can't allow myself to lose control and I had to sit there until I was able to tune everything out and regain control of my emotions. So, I think that maybe he understands me a little better. Maybe he sees that I'm not as heartless as I let on.
The thing is, I always feel like this after a therapy session. I can tend to "forget" things until Tuesday when I see him. He just constantly reminds me of things that I try so hard to forget. And it isn't that he isn't helpful. It's just that I'm less than honest with him. I can go in and sit down with him and talk about things from my past and he'll ask, "So, how are you doing?" and I'll say, "Oh, I'm great." I'll flat out lie to him. When I'm falling apart I just sit there and smile and laugh and tell him that I'm doing great. So, how can he really know that I'm falling apart? I guess I expect him to be able to know that I'm not OK. I mean other people in my situation wouldn't be ok, so why would I be fine? I'm just waiting for him to ask the right questions.
I'm not staying with him because he's cute. He's done a great job this far. I'm just convinced it's me. I think by now he should know the way I operate. I've been seeing him for almost a year. So, he should know that I deny when I'm feeling depressed or anxious or nervous. And he's the one who helped me figure a lot of things out. Maybe he's not always completely helpful or supportive, but we can work on that. It's tough, but I think we'll be fine. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
poster:Karen_kay
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/295198.html