Posted by michmich on October 8, 2003, at 19:43:46
In reply to Re: therapist abandonment » michmich, posted by fallsfall on October 8, 2003, at 17:48:28
Oh my gosh, You dont even KNOW how much your letter put me at ease, u are too sweet. It's really cool knowing someone I can relate to on this issue (because my college friends look at me like I have 3 heads). I can't believe how far you have come, your slef, and I also admire you for letting yourself feel all your feeling no matter what. I have a hard time expressing my feelings but here it is so easy for me. Oh, I did get to study for a long while before the kicked me out, so that was cool. As for the wonderful suggestions you gave me. I dont know how to carry her words with me, and the buisness card makes me want to cut my self with it (lol). I am so happy that it works for you though. As far as tv, everything just reminds me of her (and im not so into tv (except for a select few shows). Yes, she (and all her poor "have shit of their own" iterns have given me many many suggestions. I try them sometime, but they dont work lately, i just fall out of it and get distracted by my anger or sadness or emptiness again. I honestly am starting to realize that I am not be so much "stubborn" about using coping methods, but that a part of me WANTS to suffer. And i dont think its so much that i want to see her, or i want to know what shes doing (i mean i do, but thats not really what i want) its more that shes a great distraction for me. Of course she not just a dstraction, but sometimes i experience her as one when i want to. My kind of sort of boyfriend is busy with work lately, although he is still there for me...my other kind of sort of boyfriend is like...too puppy dog for me, and doesnt understand me, although he is there for me....my two girlfriends are awesome, but one loves talking about her own shit, and the other is way to optimistic and the type of problems she has is that she doesnt know what present to get her boyfriend! lol. I am clueless when it comes to making friends. I dont really reach out to people. i just wait for them to reach out to me, again, again, and again. once a year i get lucky and make a friend this way! If my hterapist disappeared tommarow, it would suck because i know her, and i think i finally trust even though i get paranoid sometimes, but I know I would just find somebody else to fill her place. Its a bad cycle. I did contact my awesome social worker who i was never needy with, and we will try and get in touch, but she doesnt know me anymore..im a different person..not totally but a little..and i dont feel like playing catch up...but i guess she is good for when i have the urge to go to joann's freaken house and just drive past it...i hope that urge never come true. some women stalked her when she was an intern, and she probably extra sensitive on shit like that. if i ever did that, it wouldnt be to get her attention but just to secretely do it..so i dont something crazier that will get her to fire me!<<wow my social worker JUST call me>> We shmoozed and she was so glad to here from me. She proud of me and told me that and then she was like "ok, come on tell me whats wrong" So i told her a summed up version. and since she knows how i was in the past, she says she totally understands..and although it hurts, and although this therapists approach is different from hers..i do know her, and she knows me pretty well, and i like her. So she gave me the nurturing (or I let her give it to me), and said that because this therapists approach is for some reason not allowing me to open up with her a whole bunch during sessions, i should "stick with this strick boundary crap" and go with it for 2 weeks and then see how i feel and if im getting better at waiting between session and also opening up. My social worker thinks that if i open up i probably wont feel as vulnerable and also will be able to work on other things. She also told me she loves me, and that felt good, but i just "thank you" like a guy cuz it felt so weird! haha. >> So anyway, your third suggestion was really awesome. She suggested that too! I was in an optimistic mood about the boundaries and therapy and being insightful, and wrote a letter adressed to her but it was really to myself in a way, and i got somwhere at least with answering that question...but then the waiting got rough and ive been anything but optimistic lol. Sometimes i think im so lucky they dont fire me, and other times i think they are so lucky that im putting up with THEIR crap. Its odd how i "obsess"..its more that shes the cause in mind, and then all these other extremely frustrating thoughts and feelings come flying in that have nothing to do with her..and it drives me cazy, so seeing her, allows me to focus on her instead of me. wow..ew i cant believe i said that and that that might me true. The only ways i know how to get out of a panic state are really realy bad. and ive stopped most of those ways, which is why ive been calling the crisis team just to distract me even though i made it clear to them that im not suicidal. I swear.. one day those interns are going to thank me when they have their own problem patient. Sometimes i see it as revenge (against people they remind me of from like a million years ago..haha i know it sounds crazy). I dont care if your other therapist would be proud you (because she abandoned you when the going got tough like most of them do..however i know that her defining ur self worth thing is important to you) but I reallllyyyyy care that you are proud of you, and i am proud of you! She is very CBT and her supervisor with the pole up his but is extra CBT so these restrictions are no suprise. Its funny, i know that im alot to put up to for 30 bucks a week, and for interns who dont get paid shit, but my tuition is what is paying for it. Besides..i deserve it, im sick of the same kind of people who caused me to be like this, dont want me to act like that to them...and anyway...ive been going there for 2 years...thats alot of 30 bucks for a college student..and most of the time we just bullshitted in session. so again, im back to thinking they should kiss my but..lol. I am not an ice creasm, although its cool that it works for u, but i can tell you that i am going out with my puppy kind of sort of boyfriend in a few, but to get me through the night, as i have not been sleeping..I have found two things that may just work: 1. remembering the phone call from my social worker. 2. reading the amazing later you sent me, and of course the ones others have sent. You are one cool amazing person. Thanks a million. We both have our thursday therapy apointment (which is like 10 years in michelle years) so **here's** to it being... a helpful one, and not just one that last the 50 minutes...lol! Good luck girl. Thanks! :)
poster:michmich
thread:266484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/266930.html