Posted by fallsfall on October 8, 2003, at 17:48:28
In reply to Re: therapist abandonment, posted by michmich on October 8, 2003, at 16:53:19
(((michmich)))
I know the pain you feel. I won't tell you what *I* do about it because that gets me in a lot of trouble.
Do you have anything that reminds you of her? A business card, or appointment card, or something of yours that the two of you talked about? Some physical thing that you connect with her? Is her picture in the yearbook (I don't know if they put counselor's pictures in)? It is helpful to me to have something I can hold, or put in my pocket that will let me connect a little. Has she ever recommended a book to you? Did you read it? You could read it again, or buy it. These things aren't "cuddly", but it is at least something. Can you find a picture of the building she works in?
Do you have an understanding friend? Someone who you could talk to about intimate things? Someone who could let you believe that if she disappeared tomorrow that someone might be able to fill the void at least part way? Or do you know two people who can meet different needs together and you can see how the two of them could meet your needs? It has been really important for me to know that I could go to an old group therapist of mine - and that she could meet my needs. Then I wasn't as terrified that I would lose my therapist. As much as I needed my therapist, I knew that I wouldn't be totally dead in the water if I couldn't see her anymore.
My third suggestion is harder, and you may need her help for this one. This, however, is the suggestion that can bring you a lasting solution. You need her for *something*. She fills a specific need for you (maybe more than one, but let's look at the major one first). Can you tell what need she fills? Think about what would happen if she wasn't there - what would your panic be about? In my case, my therapist defined my selfworth for me - if I thought she liked me, then I was a good person, if I thought she was mad at me, then I was a bad person. It didn't matter what I thought, or what my friends thought, or what my family thought. She defined whether I was good or bad. Once you can identify what need she is filling (and you may need her help to do this), then you can try to figure out how else that need might be met. Can family or a friend meet the need? Is there a way that you can understand the world better and not need that as much? You might have to combine more than one solution to meet the need. In my case I did some research on self esteem and learned that people both judge themselves and take input from important people in their lives. So I started to look at self esteem more that way. If nothing else, it helped just knowing what it was that I needed that badly.
You need to study for your test. Is there someone in your class that you could study with? That could help you stay more focused on the material and less focused on her. Some people are successful by taking a "vacation" - you could promise yourself that in 2 hours you could think about her all you want for 30 minutes. But that you had to focus on your test for those two hours. Repeat as necessary. That one is hard for me to do, but it works for other people.
If you get into a panic state (you know what I mean), then you need to get out of the panic state before anything will work. I usually watch movies on TV - because they engage my mind, and they distract me from my therapist. Usually, by the time the movie is over, I am back to being only needy, but not panicking at the same time. I like movies better than Sitcoms because they last longer and tend to have more depth (which keeps me engaged better). But anything that will distract you will work. Taking a nap sometimes helps me (I sometimes pretend I'm in their office as a fantasy to help me get to sleep).
But my alltime favorite is: Ice Cream. Early and often.
Wow. Don't you think that my therapist would be proud of me for all these coping mechanisms?
michmich, it is so hard, I know. But trying even one of these things might help enough to make it bearable.
Try to stay away except for your sessions, or she will put more restrictions on you. If you don't have anything from her to hold, in your next session ask her to write something down for you - your next appointment, or a book suggestion, or your diagnosis, or the type of therapy she does (cognitive behavioral (CBT), or Psychodynamic, or Rational Emotive (RET), or Psychoanalytic) - I would be interested in knowing what kind of therapy it is - that can make a difference when you are trying to figure out what she means by something, or what kinds of suggestions she is more likely to accept.
Hang in there. It has gotten much better for me. I'll bet it can get better for you, too.
poster:fallsfall
thread:266484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/266875.html