Posted by Adia on September 28, 2003, at 22:06:41
In reply to Re: cutting (long), posted by underthecs on September 28, 2003, at 20:52:15
Hi...
Therapy can be really hard and painful, especially when you're feeling you are not making progress and you somehow feel your therapist should help more or understand more..
I had a problem with my therapist a few weeks ago, I got angry at her even and sent her an 'angry mail', something I had never done before, I felt she was abandoning me, and I felt she was going to leave me alone...And something good came out of that angry mail and we discussed it and she was actually glad I had felt anger towards her for the first time ever..
Maybe something good can come out of your mail and this situation with your therapist..?
I feel lots as you do, I feel things urgent and I get desperate in-between sessions and usually once I am there I go numb or I feel I am not truly there or I can't bring what I have been feeling or thinking ...it's hard and it takes time and now I feel I am making some slow progress, in baby steps...
But I feel frustrated when I don't make progress and I project feelings on to my therapist, I fear she will leave me because I know I am not doing what I should, I fear she won't like me anymore, or she doesn't want me to be there...but when I talked about it with her I found out that she does want to work with me and is concerned when I don't make progress and wants me to open up to her...
That is extremely hard...
I think the things you mentioned in your e-mail to your therapist are really important ones..and that it would be good if you and your therapist can work through them together...
I hope in your next session you can tell him the fears you're having...I think that you should try to talk about the things you wrote to him in your mail...Maybe this can be a big step for you and your therapy with him...
I am sending you all my support, I am sorry I can't be of much help, I just wanted to let you know I hear you and I wish you the best in your next session....
it seems your therapist has never been judgemental and has tried to be there for you and I think that together you will be able to find a way ?
Sending you my support,
Adia.
> thank you everybody. your posts helped me articulate why i do it and showed me i'm not alone.
>
> i actually did tell my therapist, but in an email (i'm chicken). then i saw him the next day and of course he was not judgemental. never is so i don't know why i obsess about it. he opened the door to talk about it but i just didn't take the bait. i didn't talk for most of the session, except for superficial chit-chat.
>
> so yesterday i sent him this email. god i hope he never reads this or i will die of embarrassment. anyway, this is what i said:
>
> >>i think i really do want to quit therapy. the quicker things return to "normal" (normal for me anyway) the better. i am tired of feeling too much or not feeling at all. i am tired of feeling frustrated at not being able to articulate (or even recognize) what i am feeling. i am tired of everything feeling so urgent and important and then by the time i actually make it to my appointment i realize i don't really give a shit anymore. whatever it was, it lost its power.
>
> i think that you don't get it, or you don't understand, and maybe that you don't even try to understand becuz you already think you know. it seems to me that you see what work you think needs to be done and you focus there and as a result you are missing other things that may be more important to me at the moment. i think that you minimize some things that are huge (to me) and you make things that are superfluous (to me) a huge thing. granted i should take more responsibility and verbalize my needs but i can't. so what is the point of fucking therapy if i can't?
>
> i just know that thursday was really fucked up and it has taken me this long to be able to put any words to it. you're usually just much better at getting what i'm not saying. and i guess the long break between sessions doesn't help. but i feel that you weren't fully present, you were distracted, preoccupied, something was just off. it feels different. it's strange. i don't like it. you were bored. you wanted me to leave early. you may have even been hoping i wouldn't show up at all. you weren't authentic. <<
>
> okay... was that too harsh? i have SO never felt this way towards him before and i'm thinking it's just a little projection on my part becuz of my lack of effort/progress and tendency to be completely numb in my sessions. the thing that made me think he didn't want me to be there was becuz at one point i was like, "what time is it?" and since it was about 43 minutes or so into the session (i go for an hour) he said, "you can probably get away with it in a couple minutes...most sessions are 45-50 minutes long..." so then i'm thinking what the hell? is he just trying to trigger my abandonment issues or is he just being a d***? becuz he knows it is hard for me to leave his office. what a jerk. i am hating him so much right now.
>
poster:Adia
thread:262850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/264143.html