Posted by underthecs on September 28, 2003, at 20:52:15
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
thank you everybody. your posts helped me articulate why i do it and showed me i'm not alone.
i actually did tell my therapist, but in an email (i'm chicken). then i saw him the next day and of course he was not judgemental. never is so i don't know why i obsess about it. he opened the door to talk about it but i just didn't take the bait. i didn't talk for most of the session, except for superficial chit-chat.
so yesterday i sent him this email. god i hope he never reads this or i will die of embarrassment. anyway, this is what i said:
>>i think i really do want to quit therapy. the quicker things return to "normal" (normal for me anyway) the better. i am tired of feeling too much or not feeling at all. i am tired of feeling frustrated at not being able to articulate (or even recognize) what i am feeling. i am tired of everything feeling so urgent and important and then by the time i actually make it to my appointment i realize i don't really give a shit anymore. whatever it was, it lost its power.
i think that you don't get it, or you don't understand, and maybe that you don't even try to understand becuz you already think you know. it seems to me that you see what work you think needs to be done and you focus there and as a result you are missing other things that may be more important to me at the moment. i think that you minimize some things that are huge (to me) and you make things that are superfluous (to me) a huge thing. granted i should take more responsibility and verbalize my needs but i can't. so what is the point of fucking therapy if i can't?
i just know that thursday was really fucked up and it has taken me this long to be able to put any words to it. you're usually just much better at getting what i'm not saying. and i guess the long break between sessions doesn't help. but i feel that you weren't fully present, you were distracted, preoccupied, something was just off. it feels different. it's strange. i don't like it. you were bored. you wanted me to leave early. you may have even been hoping i wouldn't show up at all. you weren't authentic. <<okay... was that too harsh? i have SO never felt this way towards him before and i'm thinking it's just a little projection on my part becuz of my lack of effort/progress and tendency to be completely numb in my sessions. the thing that made me think he didn't want me to be there was becuz at one point i was like, "what time is it?" and since it was about 43 minutes or so into the session (i go for an hour) he said, "you can probably get away with it in a couple minutes...most sessions are 45-50 minutes long..." so then i'm thinking what the hell? is he just trying to trigger my abandonment issues or is he just being a d***? becuz he knows it is hard for me to leave his office. what a jerk. i am hating him so much right now.
poster:underthecs
thread:262850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/264128.html