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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
hi. is it normal to cut and not tell your therapist? it's just too humiliating. am i the only one who thinks this?
Posted by fallsfall on September 24, 2003, at 7:13:41
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
> hi. is it normal to cut and not tell your therapist? it's just too humiliating. am i the only one who thinks this?
No, you are not the only one.
There are lots of different reasons that people do SI. I do it for more than one reason, depending on what is going on in my life. Here are some reasons:
1. Replace emotional pain with physical pain
2. Distraction
3. A feeling of control
4. Communication
5. Rebellion
6. Physiological relief (the act of cutting sends something in your body that reduces the stress - or something like that)If you do SI for communication to your therapist, then you will always tell her. But the others can still be effective for you if you keep it a secret.
Your therapist shouldn't judge you if you tell them about doing SI. They should see it as a symptom of your problem, and try to help you solve your problem and find healthier ways of coping in the meantime. If you feel judged by your therapist, you should try to talk about that with them.
Since you feel humiliated I'm guessing that you don't feel yet that your therapist is there only to help you. It is hard to trust someone and tell them things about ourselves that we find unacceptable. But they really only can help us if they know what is going on. If you can't talk to her about the SI, then maybe you can talk to her about feeling humiliated so that you can't talk about things that need to be talked about.
How long have you been seeing this therapist? How long have you been cutting? Have you told her in the past about your cutting? What did she say?
So, are you the only one who doesn't tell their therapist when they do SI? No. I don't always tell him...
Posted by cubic_me on September 24, 2003, at 7:25:52
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
I've self harmed for a good few years now and started seeing a therapist about 8 months ago after my friend killed herself. The conversations we had never seemed to lend themselves to talking about self harm, and like you I was ashamed of what I did so I wasnt going to bring it up unless she asked me directly.
I have a hard time thinking that people are judging me, and I'm always wondering what the therapist is thinking, so plucking up the courage to tell her was hard.
A few weeks ago I slipped it into the conversation, if you can say that. As my dead friend also cut and things about that were getting to me. My therapist still doesnt know that I still cut because I was talking in the past, but I feel more comfortable with her now she knows.
Most therapists are completely unshockable and have heard this stuff before, so please dont hold back if you want to talk. But if you dont feel your ready, or you dont want your therapist to know that information, then thats fine too.
There are some things I'd prefer my therapist not to know, even though I trust her more than anyone else, and that is my right.
Good luck, _me
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2003, at 9:20:52
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
I started getting self injury urges while I was in therapy. It seemed natural to discuss them with him. And I generally report my self injury as a part of my report of how I'm doing. And I've promised to call him if I feel like I'm not going to be able to resist the urge and give him a chance to talk to me first.
All that being said, by therapist doesn't take self injury well. He doesn't understand it, and places (I think) too high an importance on it. He reluctantly recognizes the benefits I get from it, but he considers it so much more worse than my other self destructive behaviors (lack of productivity, overspending money I don't have, and eating too much while diabetic) that it annoys the heck out of me.
Maybe you could venture into the area by talking about someone you heard about that self injures. How your therapist reacts to that might help you decide if it's safe to mention more. Because, in general, I'm in favor of honesty with your therapist.
Posted by Adia on September 24, 2003, at 10:29:15
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
Hi,
I started cutting before I started therapy, and after some time I decided to tell my therapist...I didn't exactly tell her, I wrote to her...It is very hard, and now I find it really hard to tell her if I have the urge to self-injure...When I told her, I felt understood by her, and we made an agreement, that I would tell her and reach out before doing that..but sometimes that doesn't work because I can't always reach her.
Since telling her, I felt relieved...cause my secret was out in the open and i didn't have to hide and fear her judgement..I too feel scared of what she might think or if she won't like me anymore if I show her the ugly things..but she seemed to view it as part of the problem..and how hard I find it to express feelings and I keep it all inside and I don't communicate my feelings and then it all explodes and cutting helps me ...when the emotional pain gets all out of control...I am not used to sharing feelings or crying... :o( She said that is what I have to learn with her...
Since I somehow feel she cares about whether I cut or not I have been able not to give in so much and now I don't s.i as often as I used to do in the past...It was really important for me to know I was not alone and she cared..and she didn't judge me.
Now I have to admit I don't tell her (lately) if I have the urge...I tried to bring up the topic the other day mentioning a film I watched called "secret shame"..about self-injury..
That could be a way for you to talk about it?
I wrote to her sharing about the film, how the girl cannot find other ways to communicate or deal with her feelings and she hurts herself...and that helped me to at least hint that I'm thinking of that...
Maybe you can watch that movie if you haven't already..and tell her your feelings about the movie..and that may make it easier to tell her..?
As fallsfall has shared I too believe that they can't help us if we don't tell them what's happening inside....I am sending you lots of strength and courage so you can find the way to talk to your therapist about it...go slowly...or maybe you can discuss that you feel humiliated about something you would like to tell her...
Take care and let us know how it goes,
stay safe,
Adia.> hi. is it normal to cut and not tell your therapist? it's just too humiliating. am i the only one who thinks this?
Posted by pixygoth on September 24, 2003, at 15:24:17
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
I think you should consider your therapist as less a person than as a mechanism for you to get happier. I don't look at my therapist as someone I have to protect, even though I look at pretty much everyone else that way. I just know that she's paid to do this, took it on by choice, and, well... she should already know what she's letting herself in for.
Good luck
Posted by pixygoth on September 24, 2003, at 15:27:09
In reply to Re: cutting » underthecs, posted by pixygoth on September 24, 2003, at 15:24:17
Post Script - I'm ashamed of my selfharming too. I bash my head, and the bruises stay under my hair, so no one knows about it at all except my therapist. I tell myself that I don't care enough about her on an emotional level to care how she sees it. ( I do obviously, but that thought gets you through the telling...)
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 24, 2003, at 22:59:03
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
Hi.
I have been injuring myself since I was very young, perhaps at around ten or so. My methods of hurting myself usually result in some sort of bleeding.I didn't tell my therapist at first because I thought I was just angry, or bored, and I've been doing this for 30 years, so it's 'normal'.
My Therapist asked me to tell her before I do this, much like everyone's T says. I told her that I can't guarantee that I will call before I cut. I'm trying though to be able to do that, but it is very hard.
The surprise for me wasn't in being embarrassed by my cutting, but in learning that it was symptomatic of my illness.
My Therapist recommended a book, "Bodily Harm" to start working on this. I got it, and I've started reading it, but my book list is quite long right now, and my attention span is low. I'll be reading it soon though, and perhaps let you know.
Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by Eggy on September 28, 2003, at 20:02:43
In reply to Re: cutting, posted by deirdrehbrt on September 24, 2003, at 22:59:03
I cut sometimes I tell and sometimes I don't. I tell my T when I know why I did it. I don't tell him when I don't know why I did it.
It may be normal for you to NOT tell but I think you should. Maybe you could say something like..."I was feeling really bad the other night,I has this awful urge to cut my arm...so I did." Of course your T is going to ask you if you have ever done it before so you need to be honest then too.
Maybe you don't want to tell. i don't know. Just good luck!
Posted by underthecs on September 28, 2003, at 20:52:15
In reply to cutting, posted by underthecs on September 24, 2003, at 0:35:24
thank you everybody. your posts helped me articulate why i do it and showed me i'm not alone.
i actually did tell my therapist, but in an email (i'm chicken). then i saw him the next day and of course he was not judgemental. never is so i don't know why i obsess about it. he opened the door to talk about it but i just didn't take the bait. i didn't talk for most of the session, except for superficial chit-chat.
so yesterday i sent him this email. god i hope he never reads this or i will die of embarrassment. anyway, this is what i said:
>>i think i really do want to quit therapy. the quicker things return to "normal" (normal for me anyway) the better. i am tired of feeling too much or not feeling at all. i am tired of feeling frustrated at not being able to articulate (or even recognize) what i am feeling. i am tired of everything feeling so urgent and important and then by the time i actually make it to my appointment i realize i don't really give a shit anymore. whatever it was, it lost its power.
i think that you don't get it, or you don't understand, and maybe that you don't even try to understand becuz you already think you know. it seems to me that you see what work you think needs to be done and you focus there and as a result you are missing other things that may be more important to me at the moment. i think that you minimize some things that are huge (to me) and you make things that are superfluous (to me) a huge thing. granted i should take more responsibility and verbalize my needs but i can't. so what is the point of fucking therapy if i can't?
i just know that thursday was really fucked up and it has taken me this long to be able to put any words to it. you're usually just much better at getting what i'm not saying. and i guess the long break between sessions doesn't help. but i feel that you weren't fully present, you were distracted, preoccupied, something was just off. it feels different. it's strange. i don't like it. you were bored. you wanted me to leave early. you may have even been hoping i wouldn't show up at all. you weren't authentic. <<okay... was that too harsh? i have SO never felt this way towards him before and i'm thinking it's just a little projection on my part becuz of my lack of effort/progress and tendency to be completely numb in my sessions. the thing that made me think he didn't want me to be there was becuz at one point i was like, "what time is it?" and since it was about 43 minutes or so into the session (i go for an hour) he said, "you can probably get away with it in a couple minutes...most sessions are 45-50 minutes long..." so then i'm thinking what the hell? is he just trying to trigger my abandonment issues or is he just being a d***? becuz he knows it is hard for me to leave his office. what a jerk. i am hating him so much right now.
Posted by Adia on September 28, 2003, at 22:06:41
In reply to Re: cutting (long), posted by underthecs on September 28, 2003, at 20:52:15
Hi...
Therapy can be really hard and painful, especially when you're feeling you are not making progress and you somehow feel your therapist should help more or understand more..
I had a problem with my therapist a few weeks ago, I got angry at her even and sent her an 'angry mail', something I had never done before, I felt she was abandoning me, and I felt she was going to leave me alone...And something good came out of that angry mail and we discussed it and she was actually glad I had felt anger towards her for the first time ever..
Maybe something good can come out of your mail and this situation with your therapist..?
I feel lots as you do, I feel things urgent and I get desperate in-between sessions and usually once I am there I go numb or I feel I am not truly there or I can't bring what I have been feeling or thinking ...it's hard and it takes time and now I feel I am making some slow progress, in baby steps...
But I feel frustrated when I don't make progress and I project feelings on to my therapist, I fear she will leave me because I know I am not doing what I should, I fear she won't like me anymore, or she doesn't want me to be there...but when I talked about it with her I found out that she does want to work with me and is concerned when I don't make progress and wants me to open up to her...
That is extremely hard...
I think the things you mentioned in your e-mail to your therapist are really important ones..and that it would be good if you and your therapist can work through them together...
I hope in your next session you can tell him the fears you're having...I think that you should try to talk about the things you wrote to him in your mail...Maybe this can be a big step for you and your therapy with him...
I am sending you all my support, I am sorry I can't be of much help, I just wanted to let you know I hear you and I wish you the best in your next session....
it seems your therapist has never been judgemental and has tried to be there for you and I think that together you will be able to find a way ?
Sending you my support,
Adia.
> thank you everybody. your posts helped me articulate why i do it and showed me i'm not alone.
>
> i actually did tell my therapist, but in an email (i'm chicken). then i saw him the next day and of course he was not judgemental. never is so i don't know why i obsess about it. he opened the door to talk about it but i just didn't take the bait. i didn't talk for most of the session, except for superficial chit-chat.
>
> so yesterday i sent him this email. god i hope he never reads this or i will die of embarrassment. anyway, this is what i said:
>
> >>i think i really do want to quit therapy. the quicker things return to "normal" (normal for me anyway) the better. i am tired of feeling too much or not feeling at all. i am tired of feeling frustrated at not being able to articulate (or even recognize) what i am feeling. i am tired of everything feeling so urgent and important and then by the time i actually make it to my appointment i realize i don't really give a shit anymore. whatever it was, it lost its power.
>
> i think that you don't get it, or you don't understand, and maybe that you don't even try to understand becuz you already think you know. it seems to me that you see what work you think needs to be done and you focus there and as a result you are missing other things that may be more important to me at the moment. i think that you minimize some things that are huge (to me) and you make things that are superfluous (to me) a huge thing. granted i should take more responsibility and verbalize my needs but i can't. so what is the point of fucking therapy if i can't?
>
> i just know that thursday was really fucked up and it has taken me this long to be able to put any words to it. you're usually just much better at getting what i'm not saying. and i guess the long break between sessions doesn't help. but i feel that you weren't fully present, you were distracted, preoccupied, something was just off. it feels different. it's strange. i don't like it. you were bored. you wanted me to leave early. you may have even been hoping i wouldn't show up at all. you weren't authentic. <<
>
> okay... was that too harsh? i have SO never felt this way towards him before and i'm thinking it's just a little projection on my part becuz of my lack of effort/progress and tendency to be completely numb in my sessions. the thing that made me think he didn't want me to be there was becuz at one point i was like, "what time is it?" and since it was about 43 minutes or so into the session (i go for an hour) he said, "you can probably get away with it in a couple minutes...most sessions are 45-50 minutes long..." so then i'm thinking what the hell? is he just trying to trigger my abandonment issues or is he just being a d***? becuz he knows it is hard for me to leave his office. what a jerk. i am hating him so much right now.
>
Posted by fallsfall on September 28, 2003, at 22:07:59
In reply to Re: cutting (long), posted by underthecs on September 28, 2003, at 20:52:15
There seems to be a lot going on here!
I'm really glad that you could put all of those feelings into your email. I don't think it matters if you say it to his face or email it - you were able to get the information to him.
It is really important for you and your therapist to be working towards the same goals. Talking about what the priorities should be is incredibly important. I'm sure that you each have something to say that the other needs to know about.
What little you have said about him makes me think that he is a good therapist: "and of course he was not judgemental. never is so i don't know why i obsess about it. he opened the door to talk about it " Those were good things for him to do - not being judgemental, and opening the door but not pushing.
Since you have just made him aware of your concerns, could you give him a little time to work this out with you? Give him a couple of sessions at least? You might find that he really does understand more than you know.
How long have you been seeing him? Is he your first therapist?
Best of luck
Posted by judy1 on September 29, 2003, at 10:51:58
In reply to Re: cutting (long), posted by underthecs on September 28, 2003, at 20:52:15
I'm glad you were able to tell your therp about your SI and was happy to see his support. I tend to communicate a lot through e-mail, especially anger because that is such a difficult emotion for me to express. I'm sure your therp will welcome your honesty and try to work on the issues you feel are important, maybe you can give him a chance. because I've had a lot of trouble communicating, I often take a written list with me to therapy and say these are the topics I need to talk about- that way the session doesn't wander and I don't have to rely on my therp to 'read my mind'. I recently had a 2 hour session with my shrink (he's pretty far away), it was very long and very difficult but we covered a lot of ground because I'm not doing that well. believe me, i was more then ready to leave :-). but i do understand feelings of rejection, and the end of therapy hour often creates those feelings. this is another topic you should really talk about to your therp so he can be more sensitive to you when your session ends.
best of luck- judy
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