Posted by mair on February 27, 2003, at 7:54:50
In reply to Half-Baked Suicide Plans Hospitalization, posted by LibbyH on February 27, 2003, at 2:12:16
Libby, I can't tell you anything about the hospital because I've managed to keep myself out although it's sure been the subject of a couple of serious discussions I've had with my therapist.
What I can relate to is the obsessive quality of suicidal thinking. Thoughts of suicide are pretty much there a good deal of the time. Mostly I now can just treat them as a temporary annoyance and give them little credence, but from time to time I realize that my thinking gets pretty obsessive - I start doing more planning; I start visualize myself going through each step I need to; I start trying to convince myself that I should make preparations, even if I have no intention of following through - just so if I change my mind, the means and methodology are easily at hand. It can get pretty frightening. I haven't had the thought that I have to kill myself, but I do sort of overwelm myself with the thought that I should kill myself. What frequently stops me is that I have never been able to convince myself that my husband and children would be better off if I did this, although when I'm most depressed I try hard to puzzle this out. The family piece of this is one of several safety nets, I've either consciously or unconsciously devised for myself.
I've had a lot of discussions with my therapist about suicide, but the first time I talked to her about how obsessive my thinking had become, we had several sessions where we discussed hospital alternatives and more practical things like when I should call her, what I should say etc. This was useful because it made me feel, over time, that I could turn to her without the fear that she'd want to hospitalize me. It's been helpful to me to know that I can turn to her as an outlet for my worst thoughts and that she'll listen and try to help without overreacting. I have no doubt that she'd intervene if she really thought I was about to act, but after having worked through this with her, hospitalization doesn't seem as awful as it used to; I used to feel that I'd rather die than go to the hospital, but talking about this so much with her has demysitfied that whole process for me - I don't feel, as I used to, that it's not a viable alternative. By the way, it also helped that when things were at their worst, I posted a message here not dissimilar to what you've written, and I got a lot of feedback from people about the positives to being hospitalized.
I think you're doing the right thing seeking out the stories of others here, but I also think you need to work this through with your pdoc or therapist - I don't think you should just assume that he will force you into a hospital if you come clean about what you've been feeling, but talking about it may provide you with some relief and also might help you to recognize when you need more agressive intervention and how you can ask for it.
Please keep posting here to let us know how you're doing.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:204244
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030203/msgs/204276.html