Posted by LibbyH on February 27, 2003, at 2:12:16
For the last few weeks I've been half-plotting my own suicide. I know this is something I should tell my doc, but I have suicidal thoughts many times before & am seldom tempted to act on them. I've been battling major depression for about 25 years now, so this is not new. Lately, the thoughts are so persistent & I'm thinking aobut details like how to make it work so I actually die instead of just getting hurt, so it's more like planning than just thinking about it, but I still haven't taken any real action toward it.
My pdoc knows I'm seriously depressed. My last AD's just pooped out a short while ago & I just started new ones a few days ago. The new meds seem to be helping, but they will take time & meanwhile, a lot of personal stuff is going on around my family, friends, & job that feels too overwhelming to live with.
The other day, I mentioned I was thinkinga bout "checking out" to a friend & she called the police. Two officers came to my house & I had been crying but I was able to speak with them calmly & coherently so they said they couldn't take me to the hospital. They said I seemed a little upset but basically calm & lucid. They did ask for my pdoc's number & called, but they let me speak with him first & I easily convinced him I wasn't danger to myself. I told him my friend had just overreacted when I told her I had suicdal thoughts but then said I would never follow through on them. He asked me to promise I wouldn't harm myself & I promised without hesitation, but I was lying. As soon as the cops left, I started trying to scrape together enough of my leftover drugs to OD, but I didn't really have anything I knew for sure would do the trick. Tried to find a site on the internet that would list fatal doses of drugs, but of course it's not there.
I had an old Ativan prescription, so I took what was left of them & drank a couple beers. I was going to go to the garage to sit in the car with the engine running, but I passed out before I made it that far & woke up 16 hrs. later, pretty groggy but basically fine. I missed work, but no one even noticed. They thought I was in meetings all day.
In my life, I function just fine. I'm well-groomed & appear outgoing. My work gets done well & on time. My house is clean & my family is well cared for. But I pray at least once every single day for God to kill me. Of course, that hasn't happened so far, but I really wish it worked that way!
Please don't try to talk me out of suicide. I already know that's a bad solution & I don't want to do that to my family. So I know I am probably going to have to tell my pdoc about this. And if I do, will he put me in the hospital immediately?
I've never been to the hospital for my depression before. I actually made a suicide attempt once & was taken to the ER for carbon monoxide poisioning, but I managed to convince them it was an accident. A neighbor "resuced" me that time. I really intended to die. Wanted to. But I told the docs I was just stupid, not suicidal & they bought it.
I'm starting to scare myself with my planning & plotting because I know I don't really want to die. It's "just" my depression. But the depression is so bad that sometimes it feels like I HAVE TO die just for a little relief. Do you guys understand that feeling?Anyway, I'm willing to go into the hospital if that's what it takes, but I need to know some things about it first. Like if I check myself in, what can I expect? What will they do to me? How long do they keep me? When I get out is anything better or is it worse for awhile?
What kinds of problems does it cause with family, friends, work, etc.?Please, I need experience on this...
L.
poster:LibbyH
thread:204244
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030203/msgs/204244.html