Posted by ElaineM on November 23, 2006, at 23:06:59
In reply to Re: Actually, scratch that... » ElaineM, posted by Deneb on November 23, 2006, at 21:40:14
>>>>>Not sure. It's scary.
Didn't say it wasn't ;-) Confronting change is always scary. But there's alot of brave people who do every single day.
>>>>>>I don't like talking about myself.
You talk about yourself *here* - what's the difference for you if it's in person? THat might be a big part of uncovering why it seems scary.
>>>>I don't want to change.
I don't believe that. You've posted many many times here how desperate you are about your eating disorder (at least). You've posted alot about wishing you knew how to interact better with people. You posted that you wish you had something to feel worth about. And earlier in this response to me you said that you behave in an immature way. And lately, you've spiralled in destructive disordered behaviour. It doesn't sound like you DON'T want to change. Maybe admitting that you do would be too hard.
>>>>>I want people to accept me the way I am. If I go to therapy it's like admitting there is something wrong with who I am.
NO that's not it at all. Not "wrong with who you are", "wrong with what you do". You've admitted that you have ways of being that make you unhappy. I mean, I could search out the posts here but I doubt that would make much more of a difference than just saying it in general. WHo you are? a bulimic who needs help for one thing? You've defended the existence and severity of your ED here -- you've admitted yourself there IS something wrong with who you are in that sense.
Therapy isn't some contrived re-programming and personality-erasing, sinister thing. I doubt a therapist would be sitting around wondering how to mould a person into some being-in-their-image.
>>>>I think I'm just fine.
Purging food is fine?
>>>>>I don't want to change for anyone.Not even for yourself?
>>>>No one can make me get therapy. Everyone can tell me to get therapy, but I can say "No" if I want to. It's up to me and I don't understand why people won't accept my decision.
True, you can't be forced. But then you also can't claim that you're trying everything to confront your ED. You can't play both sides of the court. But hey, that's fine. Not everyone has to recover (or approach it the same way, or with the same fervor). And not everyone wants to. Your choice entirely.
And regarding "not accepting your decision" - I can accept it just fine. But at least now it won't be a shock when I can't offer as much "support" as you like then, cause the way *I* interpret this latest string of posts is that, you're telling me that you're not really interested in anything I have to say. And that's totally cool - I just wasn't sure before, that's why I kept trying. Feel a little bit like I have egg on my face now. And in terms of personal decisions, like you've mentioned, people can avoid responding to threads that they find triggering, or whatever. I guess we're in different places in terms of ED recovery for one (and I'll leave it at that) so I'll apoligize in advance if I have to be selfish and take care of myself first, by choosing to not respond now sometimes. It's not a personal judgement - it's just a self-care thing. It doesn't mean I *want* you to suffer or *hate* you. Just means that I can't take part.I mean, if you just want me to post a bunch of bracket-hugs I could. But I thought you were asking for something more. That's all. Sorry if I misunderstood your intentions. But thank you for clarifying where you really stand. [and just to clarify myself, I'm not mad - maybe a little sad, but that's it]
I'll always be ready to post if you ever change your mind and decide you want to work on recovery-type things.
best of luck in the future, and take care D
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:703525
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/706593.html