Posted by ElaineM on August 19, 2006, at 18:20:21
In reply to Re: Trigger - I NEED to get to my low weight » Racer, posted by Maxime on August 15, 2006, at 16:23:04
Maxime, I'm so sorry that you're not doing well. I've been where you are before. I didn't find my way back out willingly, but I'm "better" now, in terms of the AN. I know it means nothing when you're inside of it so deeply, but I just thought I'd say it anyways. I remember I always wanted to start screaming when people would try to cheer me up, when I was sure that they'd never before felt even half as low as I did then. That's part of the anorexia though -- apathy, panic, self-hate and sadly, suicidal thoughts. For me, I even got "starvation rages". I'm usually painfully quite, but I'd just explode out of nowhere like I was possessed.
I know you said that you're "too fat" to die from starvation, but it's not the direct lack of food that results in people dying. It's the hidden side-effects -- the malnutrition, the electrolyte imbalances. I know you probably already know this. By the time I was dangerously low I had already read like every single bio, study, piece of literature on eating disorders I could find. I just get worried hearing that you've already had heart trouble. I don't want you to get sicker. I don't even have to know you -- my heart breaks for everyone who suffers from ED's. It's so hard. So lonely. So sad. I never want anyone going through it.
Have you tried inpatient, or Day hospital programs? While they didn't help me keep weight on permanently, and though the psychological improvement was a slow process, it let me be a part of an environment of total acceptence and understanding. I was always the smallest and one of the youngest in the adult programs, and so I know it's hard to not want to wear that distinction as a badge of honor (at least, that's how I was) -- it's so ingrained as part of the disorder. But that's where you come in contact with professionals who are the experts -- will know more than regular T's. And they have more experience with meds, and medical complications. When I was sickest, I felt like anything good in me was stone, that I was already dead. It was the care and acceptance from the staff (and even fellow patients) that brought me back to life -- brought my heart back into it. And sometimes being that little bit emotionally stronger, is enough to let you work a little more on the physical recovery, and then eventually, the psychological one.
Even if you don't do something that intensive, there is still hope. Is your T and ED specialist? I know it's such a difficult diagnosis for less-experienced professionals to understand. And just so you know, I believe you 100% when you say you're suicidal -- I take you seriously. That's why I'm so scared for you. So concerned. I'm sorry you feel so unheard by your T. Many other docs would take your statement seriously -- even the ER (if you felt that unsafe).
It's mid-August now, is your physician back yet? Maybe she'll have some new ideas about adding to all your treatments.
Please keep trying. You deserve some relief -- it will come eventually, I truly believe that. You just have to keep pushing through h*ll, even when you think you don't want to anymore. You don't deserve despair or pain, from a disorder or a person. And I'm not just saying this because I'm healthy, content and free of sadness now -- I'm not at all. I only want you to believe that ED's are improvable conditions -- even just a little progress can make a difference. Have you ever revealed to anyone where you are? Though it would be scary for me, I'd tell you where I was always treated if you were close (and if you were interested in it). Or even some of the places I read about and was considering. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm ponificating -- I just wish I could help more.
Safe hugs (if you're okay with that), and please don't give in yet. Let us know how your next meeting with your T (and your Doctor) go.
Thinking of you, Elaine
poster:ElaineM
thread:672989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/678178.html