Posted by Maxime on August 3, 2006, at 22:14:30
In reply to Re: Trigger - I NEED to get to my low weight » Maxime, posted by Racer on August 3, 2006, at 20:27:03
I won't die from starvation. I'm too fat. I already survived a cardiac arrest years ago from laxie abuse (I was in the hospital at the time).
Last time I saw my pdoc I said to him "Dr. R., I know you are listening to me, but I don't think you are hearing what am I telling you." I was telling him how I was ready to give up ... how suicidal I was. I told him I had a plan ... isn't he supposed to take action? He told me "that isn't an option". WTF? Of course it's an option ... it's always an option.
I am not on an antidepressant. I'm on a mood stabiliser - trileptal. And I take Klonopin which I am trying to get off of, but it will take a long time.
BTW, I have a BITCH for a physio-therapist. I think she loves to inflict pain on me. And you know what ... I feel like I deserve it. So I just put with it. But god, she is a BITCH!
There is no other pdoc for me to see.
I tried to make an appointment with my GP but she is on holidays until mid August.
My pdoc doesn't really believe in meds ... well he does, but he prefers that his patients do not have to use them. Read my post in Psychobabble about "my psychiatrist ..." it will make you laugh ( I cry when I think about it).
Well I am really crying now so I will sign off now.
Thanks for responding. I see my pdoc next Friday ... maybe he will have some new ideas ... bit I hope they are not as flaky as his last one.
Hugs, Maxime
> >
> > Maxime
>
> Not necessarily, Maxie. You know as well -- better? -- than I do that the laxatives and the Ephedra can both be the cause of death, as well as starvation itself. I don't want you to see an "out" by saying it's mostly suicide that causes death by ED. You could be taking yourself there already.
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> Are you taking any meds at all? Could be you've got some help with the metabolism...
>
> And I know what you mean about hoping that you can "show" how bad you're feeling. I know that I ate less and less and less, and ached that NO ONE seemed to see. (My mother saw, my husband tried not to see and mostly succeeded. My doctors? Well, my former pdoc -- Dr EyeCandy, remember him? -- wrote in his notes that I was a "40y/o WN/WF." Dunno who his pt was, but she was my age and race... Wonder how fat he meant when he wrote "well nourished.") Even when I finally TOLD the next pdoc about it, I felt as though there must not be anything wrong with me, since no one else brought it up... He'd think I was making it up, since he didn't notice any problems... (Mind you, my BMI at the time was under 14.5. Guess I was making that up, too...)
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> I know you don't want to hear this, but...
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> Have you tried using your voice to speak with? (Man, what a cliche!) I know you say that he doesn't seem to be listening to you. Have you tried saying, "Dr, I think you're trying to help me, but it doesn't feel as though you're hearing me. What has to happen for us to solve this problem together?" Is this your old faithful pdoc? Or a newer guy? If it's the older guy, maybe telling him you've got a lot of trust built up for him, but you're feeling it slipping away and don't like that? See if he'll be honest with you.
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> I'm wondering if this is a sign of burn out, though? I know you're devilishly hard to treat, because you have such nasty reactions to so many drugs. That's got to be hard for doctors, and I wonder if that triggers the time honored tradition of Blaming The patient? It's not right, it's not helpful, it's not fair, it's not anything good -- but it also happens. {sigh} [Emulates a Hoover] when it does...
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> Has your pdoc ever coordinated with a GP about helping with some of your reactions? I can't believe there's no way to control the lactation, for instance, at least long enough to get you stabilized and get you some relief.
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> You won't like hearing this, Maxie, but there's still hope. After a really horrendous experience with a physical therapist two months ago, I was resigned to hurting forever. Then I got another referral, and sent to another PT. This time, I told the guy what happened with the other PT, and he kinda laughed at it: "He said there was nothing he could do? *g* There's PLENTY I can do..." (Which means I'm in a lot of pain right now, by the way...) I know it's so much harder in Canada, and I don't now how to suggest you go about trying to get better help, but someone out there might be like my new Physical Terrorist, you know? Someone out there might be able and willing to look at you with new, kind eyes -- and use that new perspective to help you.
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> (If ED groups are a problem, how about Overeaters Anonymous? They're often recommended for EDs, and you'd likely be one of the thinner members...)
> xoxo
poster:Maxime
thread:672989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/673437.html