Posted by Elainem on July 13, 2006, at 15:14:26
In reply to Re: What does 'FAT' mean? » ElaineM, posted by 10derHeart on July 13, 2006, at 12:07:20
10derheart:
Thank you for that story - you explained it well. It's very hard because I always had anxiety problems to start with. And a part of what I found so appealing about being anorexic was that, to me, being emaciated felt like I got to walk around waving a white flag. I always imagined that the thinness was saying to others who passed by, "Don't worry. Look how I'm already hurting myself. You don't need to stop to kick me." That it broadcast such extreme weakness and patheticness that no one (even the most cruel person) could have the heart to laugh at me, or insult me, or hit me, with me looking like that.
Now that I've gained all my weight back, I feel like I've lost all my security - the small sense of safety in the world, that I had only just discovered. Usually I don't even feel worthy of being alive. Not only cause I'm ugly and fat - but those are like the last straw.
The only time I felt that some people may actually be noble (as you said) was when I was in the hospital. That's the only world that felt safe - which is odd cause "trapped" into gaining weight is usually the ultimate nightmare of an anorexic. But twice I bartered gaining 35lbs for the sense of protection that place provided (the other time I was forced). It was the only world where it sometimes felt okay to be ugly, and become fat in. I guess cause that world was so structured. Rules enforced. Things that couldn't be done to another. Ways you were not allowed to talk. And then, at the end of the day, an entire staff to hug you or tell you how proud they were with how much you were "working" - when really all you did was continue to breathe through another day (well, and eat). Imagine someone congratulating you for that : ) [sigh]
I'll stop now. I always work myself up when start missing the lost times, and places where I've felt safe. And I apoligize for high-jacking the thread, I don't have time to talk much about my ED with all my involvement with other specialists.
Again, I really felt as though you could identify. Your story made me want to see your old pdoc.
thanks ELaine
poster:Elainem
thread:666231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/666782.html