Posted by 10derHeart on July 11, 2006, at 23:47:48
In reply to What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
***warning - this may be a really depressing post to read re: body image***
Um...for me it seems to mean many of the things you listed, and then also....
different
invisible
gross (whatever *that* means)
disgusting
and maybe worst of all - ugly.Which is so utterly irrational and ridiculous I can't even believe I can't get out from under that connection. I have many friends who are above a healthy weight, and I don't find them physically - or in any other way - ugly. Not one bit. In fact, they are some of the most beautiful people I know. I don't *see* their overweight bodies when I'm with them. I mean I do, but I really *don't*, ya' know?
And I've been told, and I want to believe, they see me (or rather, don't) the same way. And I completely do not get how that can be. After all, I'm fat AND UGLY. (And BTW, 60-70 pounds ago, I did not see ugly in a mirror, i.e., the ugliness is directly related to weight alone - heck, I even thought I was sometimes pretty, or at least pretty-okay-looking...without the weight)
You see, this acceptance and unimportance of one's physical size I easily extend to others - this has nothing nothing to do with *me*. *My* fatness is ugly in every way, and the ugliness leads to self-loathing and many days to resignation I can never change a thing, which leads to more careless eating.... :-(
And...I'll just quit now as this is a topic I just don't talk about. I've managed to bring it up twice in 18 months to my T. - and he's wonderful and I can tell tell him anything. Except about fat, weight, eating and body image. It's absolutely terrifying and makes me feel ill to discuss it with him. Go figure.
Somehow I'm wondering if I should post this. But it's all how I honestly feel.
I'm sorry Racer, if this isn't where you were thinking of going. I guess I took "anyone else?" as a license to spew about one of my biggest and hardest-to-EVER-speak-about issues.
<sigh>
(((((all of us struggling with any of this))))
poster:10derHeart
thread:666231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/666239.html