Posted by Dr. Bob on June 22, 2010, at 21:46:01
In reply to Re: wording of public 'rephrasing requests' » Dr. Bob, posted by violette on June 22, 2010, at 20:24:16
> > I'm open to rephrasing my requests, what do you all think would be better?
>
> As I said, a brilliant and reticent web mastermind can figure it out...Well, what I've figured out is what I'm using. If others would like to work on an improving that, I'm still open to input.
> it's your rule and according to your rule, if others are put down by a comment, it would be uncivil (regardless of intent). A few of us said we felt 'put down' by your statements/methods.
That's to be supportive. My primary role here isn't to support individual posters, it's to manage the community. People may feel put down when I block them, too.
> > Believing that making you ashamed would motivate you to behave as they wished (The demands of a dysfunctional shame-bound family are irrational and inconsistent, for the family only knows it is unhappy and does not know what would make things better. The child becomes the scapegoat for the family's incompetency in solving its problems-in-living.), your parents intended you to feel shame about yourself for your "bad" behavior. Sometimes, they even rationalized that shaming you was "for your own good.
>
> http://www.psychsight.com/ar-shame.htmlThanks for sharing that link. Also from the "Healing Shame" section of that page:
> Replace shame with mature guilt. Guilt has often received bad press, and well it should--if, and only if, you are talking about neurotic guilt--guilt that self-flagellates and changes nothing. If you are talking about mature guilt, then guilt is one of the great inventions of nature. For mature guilt lets you know what is unacceptable, and offers you opportunity to do something about it. Shame, on the other hand comes to you as a feeling so deep and so incapable of your getting a grasp on it that it seems there is nothing you can do. To illustrate: John feels shame that he is not the sort of person who can ever excel at his work. Whatever happens, a demotion, a "blowing-out" by his boss, he senses that this is because he is "basically inadequate," so he hangs his head and lowers his eyes and dampens his energy. Finding the "smarts" and the courage to re-evaluate himself as "guilty" of inertia and poor training, he begins to create and achieve goals that are possible for him. So if he sets certain standards, and then if he doesn't achieve them, he can rightly feel guilty that he is failing and can increase his efforts to succeed, or redefine his goals. He has moved into consciousness that his worth can be defined by realistic possibilities, not by the un-focused and "hidden" demands of shame-making expectations.
Do you see my requests as more shaming or guilt-tripping?
Bob
"a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind" -- The New York Times
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:951716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20100321/msgs/951917.html