Posted by twinleaf on December 9, 2008, at 19:40:21
In reply to Re: This is so hard » twinleaf, posted by Dinah on December 8, 2008, at 18:23:41
I was responding to your comments to me.
1. You pointed out to me that my comment "if I could have said something like, 'tell us how you are feeling, but don't provoke or attack others" " would be characterizing that poster in a negative fashion. Well, yes! I said I would have liked to have been able to say that, but could not because of the guidelines. In my original post, I pointed out that supportive, cautioning posts (yours were among the clearest and most supportive) to that poster were not effective because SSSS was so extremely upset that she couldn't really pay attention to them.. I mentioned that I would have liked to be able to use language that was a bit stronger, but knew THAT I COULD NOT DO SO BECAUSE OF THE SITE GUiDELINES. I was expressing the wish for either posters or deputies to have a broader range of options when there appears to be an emergency situation. I was very surprised and disappointed to be treated as though I did not know the rule about not using negative characterizations, when my knowledge of it was the basis of my writing about and hoping for more flexible rules in cases in which a poster is clearly extremely distressed. I am not alone in this view; several other posters to this thread expressed the same view.
2. You said to me, "I'd like to point out that other posters aren't therapists." I felt extremely belittled and put down by this comment. I know that I have never made any demands that any poster should be a therapist- to me, or to anyone else. I was inquiring about the possibilities of deputies and perhaps posters having slightly more flexibility in situations where posters are in extreme distress. I don't know if that would be helpful or possible, although I was hopeful that an open-minded dialogue about it might ensue, I hoped that the deputies would lead the way.
3. You also told me, "(posters) can help if they feel able to, but they can also feel hurt and distressed themselves. The needs and feelings of *all* posters are important." I felt very hurt and put down by this comment, because the assumption behind it is that I am insufficiently sensitive to know this. Every single post that I have ever written to Babble has included a clear acknowledgement of other posters' feelings and points of view. I have never criticized anyone for not responding, or responding differently than I might have hoped. In particular every post in this particular thread has included more than just empathy for SSSS' views as I understand them. They also include an awareness of how distressing some of the posts were to others, and how challenging it was for deputies to respond. It goes without saying that, in the most recent example, many people did not want to respond directly because they were distressed by what was happening. I have never written one word which could cause you to think otherwise. Because of that, it is very unpleasant and discouraging that you feel you need to remind me about such a basic behavior. A comment like yours implies that my participation here has involved a large degree of personal insensitivity to others. In reality, the exact opposite is true, both here and in my actual life.
4. You told me, " you keep referring to deputies and Dr. Bob as being rejecting." You are misreading what I actually said. I do not, and have never viewed either DR BOB OR ANY OF THE DEPUTIES as being rejecting. What I am saying is that the ACT OF BEING BLOCKED can feel rejecting to the person who has been blocked. Usually, blocks occur when uncomfortable feelings, anger among them, are running high, and running over. The experience of being cut off, and being unable to continue a dialogue or make reparations is painful. I can only speak for myself, but when I was blocked, I did feel ejected from my "tribe". I felt somehow guilty, ashamed and alone; the experience seemed to bring up a lot of painful feelings from long ago. I know that you and the other deputies can and do continue to feel concern and caring, and to stay in personal contact with blocked posters. No-one is accusing you of any cold, rejecting or impersonal behavior towards blocked posters- because there isn't any. But I hope you will recognize and understand that the experience of being blocked may in and of itself be extremely painful and lonely.
Although it is beyond my personal experience, I do think that posters occasionally become extremely upset, and try to push the deputies to block them because they feel that they are bad and deserve punishment. We have all seen instances of that. Because this can happen. it's good for deputies to be aware of these dynamics. This doesn't mean that the deputies have to be therapists. Everyone in positions of responsibility encounters these pressures. from executives to parents.
Before I am misunderstood once again, let me say that I do think that blocks are appropriate. I'd like to say once again, so as to be absolutely clear, that I do not, and have never felt that the deputies were being rejecting. They aren't. We absolutely need to have clear rules, and clear consequences for not following them. But that does not mean that people who are blocked do not suffer because of it- they do. I think that is why it is always a good idea to consider each situation as requiring individual treatment. When it is clear that a poster is really suffering, more thought could perhaps go towards using alternative methods for a longer period of time, even though a block might eventually become necessary. When someone appears hostile and destructive, and we don't have a clear sense of other feelings he/she may be struggling with, a quicker block might be appropriate.
I have taken quite a bit of time to respond to you, because you did not appear to understand the reasons for my initial post, above. It is extremely disappointing to me to have each point I made in trying to contribute to a discussion about a recent Babble event subtly distorted and misread so that it could be thrown back at me as an implicit criticism. In this one thread alone, I have been accused of not understanding the rule of remaining supportive, of expecting other posters to act as therapists, of being insensitive to, and ignoring the feelings of, other posters and of considering the deputies to be personally cold and rejecting towards blocked posters. Because every one of these allegations is false, I wanted to make as strong a case as I could for myself. I am pretty sure I will be the only one to do that, but that will be enough.
poster:twinleaf
thread:867435
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20081003/msgs/867778.html