Posted by Sugardog on July 18, 2014, at 23:47:33
In reply to Re: Best dopamine enhancing selective med » Sugardog, posted by phidippus on July 17, 2014, at 23:22:40
> I'm a long time sufferer of OCD, so I understand your plight.
>
> What is the nature of your anxiety? Do you have bad thoughts you can't seem to get rid of?
>
> What medications have you been on?
>
> EricDear Eric,
Thank you so much for your excellent questions and help.
The anxiety is complex. I think I was born with some natural anxiety based on my mom's anxiety, my sister's anxiety, and my other relative's anxiety issues.
My anxiety consists mostly of negative self thoughts. "I'll never be good enough." "I'm a terrible mom." "Nothing will ever get better because I can't do it right." "I'm a terrible person." "I don't deserve happiness." That kind of thing.
When I was very young though, I mainly had a lot of positive energy and enthusiasm. I was always happy and very high energy. They called me "Jennifer Jump for Joy."
When I was about six years old, my parents started having very violent fights (glass thrown, blood).
Then when I was seven, my dad put a gun to his head and threatened suicide. I ran to his side to try to prevent him from killing himself, and my mom and grandma screamed at me to get away and called him selfish. All I wanted to do was save him because I loved him the most. I thought it was my fault because I bugged him about building the dollhouse he promised to build for Christmas but hadn't done yet. He came up with the gun to his head after working on the dollhouse in the basement.
Divorce. He moved out of the country, and I only saw him about a month out of the year.
When I was 10, sat in my beloved grandfather's room and watched him die of cancer. July. That August, I found out my dad had gotten the bends scuba diving and was paralyzed from the waist down. No one told me earlier. It happened on Father's Day, so of course I felt guilty. He was suicidal when I visited him at the hospital.
Sorry to lay all this crap on you. Obviously I needed to get it out. So in terms of my anxiety, I'm not sure if it comes from genetics, past trauma, or an extreme perfectionism I developed to cope with the past, try to take control of my life, or deal with a critical mom.
To answer your question more specifically, the nature of the anxiety tends to be very focused on judgement. If I'm in situations where I face judgement or a possibility of not preforming to my or others' standards, I go into avoidance/obsessive mode.
I also have a lot of anxiety about heights and driving on bridges or around high, curvy roads. I'm afraid of falling off.
I don't remember all the meds I've been on, but here's an incomplete list: clonazepam, ativan, depekote, a beta blocker, effexor, prozac, paxil, celexa, lexapro, cymbalta, lithium, lamictal, vybrid, abilify, naltrexone, topamax, gababentin, bachalfen, adderall, dexadrine, amitripaline, and wellbutrin. (Sorry for all the misspellings).
Thanks again for your help. Would welcome any advice!
poster:Sugardog
thread:1067983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140717/msgs/1068516.html