Posted by floatingbridge on April 17, 2011, at 23:38:59
In reply to Re: A social phobia story, posted by tepi on April 17, 2011, at 21:25:54
Thank you hp. I don't know what to say. I still remember being dx'd with SP. At first I thought the psychologist liked me. But when she pronounced it, such a gulf opened between us. I felt like I was a curiosity and she had finally named me.
I still remember her saying there was fight or flight. Then there was freeze, and that's what I did. It was like she was excited about her discovery.
I broke down after getting myself through school and then teaching. You are so right about the fatigue SP causes. Everything I did 'cost' me. I could pass very well on the surface. I seemed brash and unconcerned, then go home and tear myself apart. But in grad school it became real big. And afterwards, there was little ability to pretend. I was spent. I was transparent.
My first experience with ssri's was like living as one of the angels from The Wings of Desire (European version, please). I walked through the main workspace and heard the buzz of voices:
she's fat, she's stupid, she's ugly. Oh my god, I thought. They are talking about me. Oh my god, I thought. Those voices are mine. Everyone is actually minding their own business. I had never stopped living my childhood over and over. I walked holding my breath, breathing really quietly. I tried pulling myself inward.I still feel very separate, very marked, very shameful. I can also say I have moments every day of being 'alright'. I can talk to people sometimes without running, though I may feel the impulse to dart away repeatedly throughout any
conversation. And I still go days without returning calls. I've lost lots of good friends. Good people who wouldn't have care if I had SP, depression, anxiety.Oh. See what a ramble you've provoked :D
fb
(Super hugs.)
(I want to hear more about these brain regions and nurturing them.) (Not right this second unless you want to. In the fullness of time.)
*a rose by any name
poster:floatingbridge
thread:983100
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110406/msgs/983128.html