Posted by kattwoman on September 3, 2008, at 19:57:09
In reply to Re: Today is NOT my day » kattwoman, posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 13:54:22
> But you see I have everything right here right now and am in a motel where no one will find me until it is done. I am not ill. You may think that I am but actually I am in alot of pain and misery. I am very smart. I am an eduacated person. This is not a "Threat" of any kind. Why would it be a threat when I know all the pain will be gone by 11pm!!
I loved my life, my family, children, husband , grandchildren and my home. I loved my animals.
All was so good the last 12 years od my life. Before that lots of pain, an abuser for my first marriage. Sexual, physical and mental. He did things to me that created nightmares for years.
I had already suffered a childhood of sexual abuse. Ran away at 15 years old due to teh sexual abuse of my step brother and step father. No one would listen then, no one beleived. Now they all know and the two abusers were punished.I want peace. I want my family to be happy.
No you do not know how I feel.
I have been ill with mediacl problems and last year a stupid Dr pulled me off the only med I had ever been on for sezuires. It was a benzo and I am a nurse and did not even realize that it was also used for anti anxiety. When he ripped me off of it he then put me on several other pycho meds and screwed me up totally for over 5 months. All I could do was sleep. I could not eat, work, play with my son and my grandbabies. I will never forget it . It was enourmous pain and sweating and wanting to end my life. I had never felt this before. After I put myself in the hospital he again was in charge as he is the only psych here and he is in charge of all. He will not allow anyone to be on benzos or ADHD meds as some of the children are. He has been downgraded for the past year and no one will come into this community to work as a Phych as he has had them all fired and he is the only one left. I did go to my family Dr finally and she said the mixture of meds that he put me on was lethal due to my blood condition. Yes I tried to find a lawyer to sue him No one would take the case as he works for a huge Hospital that has many lawyers of thier own. Since that time I had been stable until I got ill again, I have done some things in the past two weeks that I am not at all proud of.I know that you're feeling as though you are ready to die, but you know what? It doesn't sound as though you are. I'm going to tell you why I think that, in hopes it helps you stay here and get some help in real life.
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> You're posting here, which indicates to me that you're still trying to connect to people. You're reaching out, which you wouldn't be doing if you didn't want someone to reach out and help you. You've said you're going to tell your story, which -- again -- connects you to Life. That's a good thing -- reaching for that connection is the first part of what it takes to feel better than you do now.
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> It sounds as though you're trying to punish your doctor -- "see? You made me this bad, and now look what you made me do!" -- which is a wish that just ain't gonna come true. Even if it did, even if he felt as bad as you do now because you do what you're thinking of -- YOU won't know about it. And YOU are what's important in all this.
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> I've been suicidal, I've attempted suicide (but was found in time), and I KNOW deep into the core of my being that it feels as though you can't stand one more second of this pain. (I also know that I got annoyed beyond belief whenever someone quoted Corinthians to me, but that's probably idiosyncratic.) I'm not going to tell you that there's any easy answer, but I AM going to tell you that it is possible to feel better, and that there are things that allow one to get relief from this pain. What those things are vary between individuals, but there is relief available.
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> I hope that something here resonate with you, and that it helps you reach out IN REAL LIFE for the help you'll need to find relief from this pain.
poster:kattwoman
thread:850075
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080903/msgs/850165.html