Posted by 4WD on May 17, 2005, at 22:21:29
I am sound asleep in the morning.
Something wakes me up. I become aware that there is a feeling of nervous jitteryness/too much adrenaline racing around in my stomach and chest. I try to go back to sleep because it's too early to wake up but I can't. The fear has started.I get up and try to calm down by deep breathing, praying, going for a walk, not thinking about it, trying to read, getting busy. It doesn't work. The fear begins to mount. In an hour it isn't fear any more, it's terror. Then the thoughts begin to race around : "why is this happening to me? what is wrong with me? Why can't my doctor fix it?" I lose the ability to think rationally. I cannot believe it will ever end. There's no answer to it except to take a benzodiazepine and that terrifies me because if I take one today, I'll still have to take one tomorrow and soon I'll have taken one every day and I'll be dependent but the fear will still be lurking there just under the surface. Maybe worse than ever because now I'm benzo-dependent. "This must be something physical wrong with me. Or maybe it's because I was on Effexor so long and now I"m not. Maybe a different combo of drugs is what I need. But which ones. Maybe I need to pray harder. Maybe I should call my pdoc. Maybe I should call the endocrinologist." The thoughts start to circle round faster and faster and pretty soon I can't stand the terror anymore and I start to cry. Sometimes I end up crawling around on the floor, screaming at the ceiling "God, Please make it stop, make it stop MAKE IT STOP." But it doesn't stop. There is total despair. I cry and rage and then I just want to die to stop the pain. I start thinking what I will need to take to the hospital with me because I will have to go there to keep from killing myself.
Somehow after crying and and screaming and moaning I will drag myself up and somehow find the will to keep going.
And then somehow I've made it to night time. On a good day, I only have to make it til about 4 or 5. On a bad day I have to wait til 8pm or 11pm. Because then it starts to lift. By 8 or 10 or 11, I feel almost normal. Except I remember the horror. And I think I can't go through that again.
And I wake up the next morning. Something wakes me up. The fear has started again.
This has been my life since October. Some days are not this bad. Some days, it's fear not terror. But there is always fear that the terror is there, just waiting.
I'm looking for any insight as to what is happening to me. My pdoc shakes his head. He doesn't know. The endocrinologist doesn't know. My therapist doesn't know. My husband doesn't know. I'm caught in an unbearable situation that doesn't have a solution.
I was on Prozac for depression for nine years before it pooped out. I tried Zoloft, couldn't take the side effects. Then I was on Effexor XR for about four years when it quit working for depression. I had some anxiety before going on it - GAD. The Effexor took care of it. I didn't have much emotion on Effexor, couldn't cry at all. When it quit working a couple years ago I started trying different drugs. I switched to Celexa with no withdrawal problems but had insomnia and some mild anxiety and so switched back to Effexor. It still didn't work, so I tried Paxil. That was when the terror started. Ten days off Effexor and onto Paxil and I started getting scared. So I went back to Effexor. I tried Paxil again a few months later; same results, back to Effexor. In October, when Cymbalta came out, I tried it. After four weeks, terror. I stayed on Cymbalta for 4-5 months along with different APs but still, terror. In January, in desperation, I went back to Effexor. This time I was on it for two months and was still waking up scared with episodes of severe depression and fear.
Now I'm on Celexa and Nortriptyline. If anything, the daytime terror is worse. I am seeing an endocrinologist, hoping he can find something physically wrong. My cortisol levels are three times normal but everything else seems normal or close to normal. I have a tiny pituitary tumor but the endocrinologist doesn't think it's causing this-the degree of terror is too great. I'm having all the tests anyway.
If I go to the gym and spend 45 minutes on the treadmill going as hard and as fast as I can I get some temporary relief, a significant reduction in the terror. Why?
Has anyone experienced this? Why does it usually go away at night? What in the name of God is happening to me?
Marsha
poster:4WD
thread:499226
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050516/msgs/499226.html