Posted by Alesa on August 11, 2004, at 13:25:51
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
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Wow,What an amazing story. It so impacted me to the very core! That you were able to get yourself out of your bad situation, and that you see life so clearly now.
I understand what you mean about thinking you were normal for so long. I felt that way for years too, and then someone pointed out that my life was not normal.
I put off taking meds and getting help for so long, and thought I could work through my depression and anxiety on my own.
Then my Mom died, and it was out of control. I couldn't stop crying everyday, and would sit motionless for hours. I was a zombie at work, just sitting there. My tension and moods affected others too.
I felt so terrible about myself for so long, and when my Mom died, I realized she felt that way too, but worse. I felt all her pain the moment she died, and understood why she drank so heavily. I understood why she could not help herself. Then I felt so guilty for not being there for her more often, and for being angry with her for not getting any help.
I so often thought about suicide and what I'd do, but I never carried out any plans because I didn't want to hurt my family, friends or my cat. I stayed alive just for others around me, and always acted like everything was fine just for them.
When I'm around people, I feel fine. I make people laugh and feel good about themselves, which my Mom did too, while internally experiencing unbearable pain and self loathing. No one understands. When I try to talk about it, they tell me not to "dwell on it", or that I'm purposely just looking for something to make me feel bad, or seeking attention. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. No one understands that it's diseaase, it doesn't just "go away", nor can I "snap out of it"!
I've sought therapists, but have had no success with them. They all told me things I alreayd knew about myself with no answers that helped me or made me feel better. One therapist just told me I'd be miserable for the rest of my life, and to build up some muscle. No one has provided me support for the issues I need to deal with. Maybe I didn't offer it properly.
The medication has definatley helped, but it's only been two weeks.
Your story has provided me with hope. You wrote it so simply , but it was so impacting and deep, and had so much feeling. Most of the stories on this board are hopeless, like there is no hope with meds or therapists. Thank-you. I'll read it again and again.
And that George Bush inspired you and wrote you a personal letter! That's amazing! I have a whole new respect for him as a person (but not as a leader) for doing that, and how he got himself out of his depression and alchoholsim. Good for you for contacting him and letting him know that he helped you and about your condition. That shows that he is there for the people in his country.
Alesa
Edna,
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> What is the name of the therapy I am supposed to seek? In other words am I looking for a post depression type of therapy? General Depression type therapy? Group therapy? Solo type therapy?
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> I feel better then I have in 25 years just by starting these meds in the last three years, in which something appears o be starting to work.
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> I'm far from well (normal) or what ever it is they call it. I have no idea what to ask for. I guess I could just ask the referral department, but was hoping possibly you can recommend.
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> I also find it interesting of your credentials. I had a girlfriend about 4 years ago who also had a PhD in Psych. She was strongly against treating depression with medication. I lost contact with her, but I often wondered just how people can get passed a serious depression without meds. It answered the question for me just by you sharing with me you were taking a med. Some people can and some people cannot get better with med's I guess is the answer.
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> There's know doubt in my mind I need therapy; it's the correct type that’s difficult to find.
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> I am in a situation I believe will require lot's of therapy. This improved feeling I have is something I have never felt in 25 years.
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> I have hidden my illness very well from others and myself. What’s odd is I had some serious relationships with some doctors and one psych. nurse and none of them picked up that I was so messed up.
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> Ignorant me thought everyone felt the way I did. I thought everyone lived in a pressure cooker, felt bad, shakes at night and faked that everything was just grand like I did.
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> As I look back now 25 years has been sadly wasted of me thinking I will feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow just never came. Tomorrow became next week, next month, next year and finally never.
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> Finally three years ago I wrote my last will and testament purchased a cemetery plot and neatly organized the end. I planned everything to perfection. I planned that my end will not take anyone’s time, nor bother them. I planned to leave this earth very quietly. I thought I had it all figured out.
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> One day I was searching the internet for something or another that had to do with something probably depressing. I came across this message board and read some threads. I then took some self help tests IE for anxiety on the internet.
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> I then was reading a magazine and saw an ad from an anxiety recovery clinic describing how I felt.
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> I enrolled, and was shocked how sick and messed up I was with depression, ADHD and anxiety. In fact I was so shocked that I got worse. I got worse because not knowing what the matter is was not as bad as knowing what’s the matter.
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> It's kind of like knowing you have cancer is worse then not knowing because somehow it degrades what life is left. (This is all in an irrational mode of thinking obviously).
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> All I kept thinking was I was "one of those crazy people" you hear about. They advised me to see a psychiatrist, and it changed my life.
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> I never was able to articulate what I was feeling because I did not have a reference of what "feeling good /normal meant".
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> Being in the group opened my eyes that I was extremely ill and there could be hope and I was not alone.
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> The therapy and the medication are really starting to pay off. I read a book about President Bush changing is life after 40. I figured if he could so can I.
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> I walked away from a hefty 6 figure salary career. Practically sold everything I had to start fresh and simple. I spend everyday experiencing things to get me well, that a bank cannot measure.
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> Running on the beach in the morning or spending time with a battered abused child sure feels better then driving 2 hours each way to work drinking coffee and talking on a cell phone responding to pager.
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> Heck, I don't even have a cell phone anymore.
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> People thought I went off the deep end. Now people are looking at me with amazement and shaking my hand with the new me. How ironic, people are asking me what the secret is... I always thought I was the one to look at with how not to feel.
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> I just wrote a book, acquired some patents on some projects I had. Studying for the LSAT and considering law school. Am planning a trip to Europe by myself next spring. Training in the gym. All from just taking a small pill, go figure? One small pill can take a person from living hell to just plain old living. I now wonder who else might be missing the boat for the ride. I wonder who else has one foot in the grave and does not know any better.
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> It's difficult for me to grasp that I felt as bad and as lost as I did for so long.
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> It's frustrating to not understand how I missed the signals just how ill I was...
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> I keep wondering how successful I would have been if I was not sick for the last 25 years.
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> It is an empty feeling to look back and see all the good things I walked away from without a second thought. Heck I did not even know why I walked away from all the good things and people because I did not know what feeling good meant.
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> I have come to the conclusion that I need help to channel all this energy I have in the correct direction.
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> I used to always hear the phrase that love and hate are extremely close in emotions.
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> During the last three years I've learned that a living hell and a living heaven are just as close...
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> I got this special delivery package one day. Everybody was asking me why I was receiving a package from the Whitehouse.
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> George Bush is a really nice guy. He wrote me a personal letter acknowledging me that IU used him as a role model to change my life.
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> It's a little frustrating that I don't feel comfortable telling people why the president wrote me.
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> The flip side of the coin really makes me feel good though. To know the president is the only one who knows my full story with my name is kind of a neat feeling.
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> It's interesting that these message boards on the internet highway really do help people.
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> Keep motivating people there are many more to be saved.
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poster:Alesa
thread:109458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040811/msgs/376452.html