Posted by tjweeks on September 29, 2000, at 14:26:15
In reply to It's my party and I'll die if I want to. , posted by Rainwoman on September 28, 2000, at 14:25:47
> > Hey,
> > I've been where u are, and i must say, that i still regret that my suicide was tampered with.
> >
> > As far as i'm concerned you have the right to stop the pain in anyway you see fit.
> >
> > If you're really intent on taking your own life, the only sure fire ways are violent. ...
> >
> > This having been said, I truly hope that you find another way of dealing with your pain. My lover and my sister both took their own lives. I know how much pain they were in, and i respect their decision, but i do miss them very much.
> >
> > all the best to you,
> > john
>
> I agree with both John and Todd. Everybody's pain is different, and who is to say how you should deal with it. I can see how it is alarming to some to discuss your own demise, especially for someone who has never suffered from depression before, let alone major depression. Lucky for those of you, you still have your survival instinct intact. Mine must've ran out of me with all the tears I have cried over the years. I know all too well nowadays what it feels like to have no hope. If you are already dead on the inside, why continue to suffer and consequently have those around you suffer? And before anybody brings up therapy, I have a very kind therapist whom I actually kind of like. He does try to make me feel better. He thinks that I just need to change my thinking. That if I improve my self esteem and recognize that I am talented, smart, witty(not as witty as Todd though), intelligent and have alot to offer, I will be happy. Sorry, but as dear as he is, he could say all those things to me until his tongue fell off. I can't FEEL any of those things. How can you when pain and sadness just consumes you and hurts so much sometimes that it hurts to breathe. I tried thinking his way, but I am so sick and tired of keeping up that farse. People, in my miserable little mind, can't understand what a person feels until you walk a mile in their shoes. Even then, you're just a mile away and you've got some poor bastards' shoes. My favorite thing is when he says, "Now I want you to promise me, you won't do anything to harm yourself, promise??" Okey, dokey doc, cross my heart, hope to die (oops, you already know that part...). The second favorite thing is, you can call me anytime to talk....yeah to your answering machine. I called that answering machine at 4:00am this morning to say I was having a very hard time and was really down (I didn't mention the fact that I had a "good friend" next to me myself. Only I throw up at the sight of blood. I would end up throwing up stuff I ate last week. That could make for a real long and messy ending. I don't have the courage for that, I didn't much care for half of what I ate last week. It's a good thing too, cause, call me demure, but I don't think that leaving a "I'm contemplating a slash and splash party and you're invited" is proper answering machine etiquette regardless of the hour.). I did hear from him at about 2:00 pm today. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to hear those kind of party plans at 4:00am either. Ah, too many psychos, too little time.
>
> I am supposed to have an appt. with a p-doc next week, but I have done the med treads myself already, and just thinking about being let down again adds a new, not so colorful dimension to my ever present dismay. The only thing I fear, is that wherever you go from here is worse than here, if that could be possible. Another night like last night, and I may not have to wonder.
>
> I have no "safe" place in my childhood. Unless you might consider under the bed. But I lie awake in agony on top of the damn thing, I don't think climbing under it with the dust bunnies is going to bring me any hoorahs. Although it works for my cats.
>
> Anyway, enough of my rambling I just wanted to say I can empathize with what you are saying, and I hope things turn out for the better for everyone than they are for me. And, Todd, I like your dry sense of humor. You probably could write a book. I wouldn't want you to end up a "ghost" writer though! Sorry, poor pun. But, I think if you feel that way and it makes you feel even a little better to post it, I say let it out. I know how you feel.
>
> Rainwoman
>
> Sadness Within
>
> I can fathom reasons to live
> but can't feel any of them.
> Holding out for a hope
> to end this problem.
> In my world every day is full of strife,
> could I just for once
> feel the meaning of my life?
> They say I'm talented
> but I feel no joy,
> it's depression I feel
> talent is a decoy.
> A face to appear in, a mask of deception
> when all there really is,
> is the sadness within.
> I want to be me, for the hopelessness to cease
> for once to feel what everybody sees.
> Just a few moments in time,
> when I can be at peace. --Rainwoman
Rainwoman, I know this sounds like, yeah I know how you feel-------but I do. I was at the point you describe about 18 years ago. I have Chronic OCD and was also blessed with a major depressive episode. I would sleep maybe 30 minutes a night. I coud not force myself to eat anything. I lost from 200 lbs down to 145 over about a four month period. I could absolutely not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was becoming more and more obssessed with suicide. The Doc had given me a script for Triavil but I had not taken any. One day after work I sat down on my bed in an absolute, never ending feeling of total misery. I picked up my pistol in my night stand and put it up to my head. I don't know why I did not pull the trigger(probably my wife or my new baby daughter), but I put the gun down and decided to try the medication. It was not immediate, but gradually I began to feel better. The point to this is that no matter how hopeless you feel it is, it just isn't. You need to find the proper meds(there are so many). Meds opinions are like assholes--everybody's got one. Triavil worked great for me, it literally saved my life. Since then I have switched to tofranil and Ativan. I have been on these for 17 years and feel good. DONT GIVE UP--once you do something drastic there might be no turning back. What if whatever is on the other side of life is worse. Like how you feel now but with no chance for improvement forever. To all of you out there------when you think you just cant go on, remember that there have been alot of people who have been at least as bad off as you that have made full recoveries and are living happy lives. It really does happen. God Bless You All
poster:tjweeks
thread:42903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000926/msgs/45468.html