Posted by juniper on May 28, 2000, at 3:15:54
In reply to Re: Why is everything so bad at 5am?? Oh, and tattoos, posted by Tina1 on May 27, 2000, at 9:13:13
tina,
many things that you said strike a chord of remembrance with me. i don't know if these are thoughts that many depressed people have, or thoughts that, well, at least two depressed people have had. i have certainly felt that all those i knew would be better off without me, because i do seem to cause many people pain. the pain seemed proportionate--the more i cared for a person, the more pain i'd cause them. now i think that maybe this was because those whom i truly cared for usually returned the sentiment, and my disclosures and closeness to them (which inevitably contained some pain as i was very depressed) hurt them because of their tremendous empathy. i went through a period where i'd say i was moderately sexually promiscuous, because i realized my worth in making others happy, and was amazed at the fact that i could actually feel pleasure. and i've felt like an ungrateful, unworthy bitch. i know now that i never was, but the feeling was there and undeniable. in fact, i really hated myself. that's hard. i felt powerless over my own thoughts and actions, and hated myself for my impotence in these matters. i think that with anyone else, i'd have felt compassion, not hate. and now, looking back over old journals, i feel disconnected from the girl who was in so much pain, and i feel sorry for her. and i know, in the way that everyone else knew, that she (i) was never a selfish bitch, and while i did cause many people whom i loved pain, they stepped into our relationship with open eyes and they chose to stick around. and i realize that i did not cause them only pain, but i sometimes gave them joy, insight, and loyalty.
it does not sound to me like your psychiatrists have much empathy or even fundamental psychological knowledge if they tell you that you have everything and that meds will make you feel better. they very well may, and hopefully will, but how can they judge that you have everything? you too say this, and i wonder if you borrowed this phrase from your psychiatrists, or if they borrowed it from you.
i've often thought that one of the worst things in the world would be that i reach my dream (which happens to be to own a little house in the mountains with a pottery wheel and a kiln, a kitten, and a job, involving helping others, that i adore) but i still call into work sick to stay home and cry, or hurt myself. it is scary to think that i can have everything i want (in one way), and that i can get by with an existance that seems enviable, yet still i'll know that my possibilities for happiness lie just over there, somehow out of reach.
obviously, you do not have everything. i am glad that you have a strong and loving support system, but what is it that really want for your children? i am going to assume that it is for them to be happy. obviously what you want for your children is something, and it is something that you are missing. i remember looking out my window at a gorgeous day, and feeling even sadder, because i didn't have the ability (as much as i wanted to) to enjoy it.
maybe talk therapy would help you....you say that you don't have any problems, but a trained therapist who is willing to work with you, and whom you connect with (though this search can take a while and be exhausting....but isn't it more exhausting to keep on living like this?) may be able to brainstorm ideas with you, and in talking regularly, you may (or may not) identify certain patterns, or feelings.
from all the posts i have read by you, you have never given the impression that you are remotely close to a selfish bitch. you appear to be very supportive, giving, and unpretentious. it is hard, but try to regard yourself with even half the love with which you regard your family. you're a part of each member, and deserve not only to love your parts in them, but in yourself also.good luck, and please keep posting your feelings and insights. it's not whining, it is acknowleging and taking a risk to share with others.
thanks,
juniper
poster:juniper
thread:34617
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/34947.html