Posted by Noa on April 28, 2000, at 10:39:27
In reply to I feel found out (to Mark H.), posted by Jennifer on April 27, 2000, at 22:40:37
> Does anyone honestly think that any amount of pills or talking will change any of this? Can Effexor or Paxil or Zoloft or Lithium or anything else, change my environment and change all of their expectations.
>
> Until that stops, I will be this way.
Jennifer, what I have learned, and am still working on learning is that the wish for all of those things to change is one that I should not rely on coming true, if I want to get well anytime soon. Not that it is bad to wish it. No, what can you expect of us, but to wish?And wishing ourselves to be different is also questionably achievable. I am working on accepting my self, strengths and weaknesses all, and trying to learn how to live my life in a way that takes those things into account, rather than fighting them.
It sounds like you have never been allowed to live a true childhood, as a child. You have this role of "the strong one" and you are beginning to realize how oppressive it is to have to carry out a role not of your own choosing. Medication hopefully will help with the biochemistry part, but you also need to explore your own self, what your wishes and desires are, to begin to learn how to define who you want to be. It is hard work, but well worth it.
I remember feeling something like you did, although I was never quite the all-around star you have been. The image I had was of the scene in the Wizard of Oz, where Toto pulls the curtain back to reveal the man posing as the all mighty Oz. I was anxious about people looking into me and seeing that despite all the good grades, etc., inside I was someone who had no idea who or what I was, and was afraid to even develop ideas of mine own. Therapy has helped me a lot.
poster:Noa
thread:30698
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000420/msgs/31581.html