Posted by Jennifer on April 27, 2000, at 22:40:37
In reply to Re: Self Esteem...Mine and then it isn't , posted by Cindy W on April 27, 2000, at 21:02:56
I almost want to accuse you of sitting next to me in my Physiology class. It feels like you are watching me when I am rubbing my temples and pacing my breath to avoid another public anxiety attack. I have just stirred the class in to loud, greedy laughter and the noise that I caused with a beaming smile on my face and tone in my voice, has finally gotten too loud. You are watching in those 3 passing seconds when I drop my head and bring my thumbs to my temples. I look down at my lap and try to block the sound from getting to me.
I am the "Of Course you got an A" girl. I am the over-achieving, class clown. I am those people you move to stand by. I could grab a wall flower by the hand and get them laughing and socializing just as I was. By that time, I am gone. Somewhere quit.
People expect you to fake it. Who ever said, "Look at that young lady with such a scowl on her face. My how pale. She must be quite an anxious person. How lovely! So honest! " NO WAY!!
People expect beauty. They expect my hair to never go bad. They expect strength.
I am only 22-years-old and already I feel that, because of my occasional bravery and decisiveness, those close to me except me to be 'The One '. I faked it for so long that no one believes I can feel this way. After time, I stop believing I think the things I do. I stop sleeping long enough to dream. I become a robot for everyone to smile with and enjoy.
My mother relies on me (and God for some reason) to hold her when she is weak. Which is most of the time. My brother relies on me to never have problems, so I can always be there for his. My best friend has turned me more into a shoulder to cry on (slash) legal advisor (slash) ride out.
We seem to have had the same college experiences. I did the same in most of my classes.
Does anyone honestly think that any amount of pills or talking will change any of this? Can Effexor or Paxil or Zoloft or Lithium or anything else, change my environment and change all of their expectations.
Until that stops, I will be this way.
Jennifer
poster:Jennifer
thread:30698
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000420/msgs/31533.html