Posted by Dee on September 8, 1999, at 1:41:03
In reply to Depression and Relationships, posted by Roo on September 7, 1999, at 7:29:17
I just survived a major relationship and the consequent major depressive episode.
For a very long time I didn't get involved in relationships of any kind (this was for about five years, it is only now that I am starting to see that it was five years of continuous, untreated depression.) I went pretty much weekend from weekend thinking to myself that I will have to change this or that about myself, because I simply didn't feel that I was good enough to be with anyone. In fact, I felt anyone close to me would think I was repugnant.
Until after five years I met someone and I dived in head first.
In the beginning everything was too good to be true (for a matter of a few weeks). I was able to chill out with all the loads I carry when we were together, in the beginning I literally left all the depression and anxiety behind, I felt good.
Unfortunately things wouldn't stay good, and I had to face that what I thought I had was based on lying, cheating and manipulation. I put an end to it all when I learned what the real deal is, but by that time I was so hooked at feeling ‘good', I only saw two possibilities: Get back together and feel good, or stay apart and suffer. I was in a deep, deep pit, and I had no choice but to make that one call. I wasn't able to function alone!
That's when things went from bad to worse. The old pattern of games and manipulation, lying and cheating started, and I was in pain because of it... Yet every time I tried to break out of it, just the attempt to say the word threw me into a humongous fit of anxiety, that overpowered me and at that point, every time, I would do no matter what to stay out of it. In other words, we stayed together.Because of the tremendous pain the separation would cause, I stayed in the relationship and basically allowed myself to be used as a doormat. Until the day came that I found that this mockery of love is causing me even more pain than breaking out would.
I was forced to choose to throw myself down in a major episode, this happened some time in May, and I am just now starting to be able to function. A good thing about this was that the pain finally grew so intense that I had no choice but to get help.
I was sexually abused, in a way, when I was a child... As far as I can remember, and I believe my memory serves me right, there was never an actual sexual act that took place. It was more like my father constantly got me in a spot where all I would have to do is reach with my hand to make it happen. Somehow giving the impression that the decision was mineI just leave it there, that's an issue that I feel very uncomfortable talking about. I am not making my therapist's job easy. Just for me, I find that I either have no attachment to people - I easily isolate from everybody, other people *are* important for me, sometimes I just cannot have them around. Then, maybe once in every ten years there is someone that is able to reach through that wall that I put between myself and everybody else, and I get excessively attached.
I've been going on about this for pages now, I think. I hope I make a little sense. Relationships are a very complicated, and a very painful issue for me.
Love
Dee
poster:Dee
thread:11168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990829/msgs/11217.html