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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 40. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
So, I've been kinda speedy lately. It usually only bothers me a couple hours a day, but I haven't been able to fall asleep for the last 6 weeks without a sleeping pill- I take either ambien or sonata.
But in the past 10 days or so, I've been a bit off. Buying crap I don't need (*however-- supporting the economy, I suppose) and lots and lots of pressured speech. T noticed today that I was rushing through stuff and jumping from one topic to another. For the most part I can keep it under wraps, but I have said/done a couple of reckless things this week-- for instance, I was playing Rorschach cards with a classmate, and all of my interpretations were creatively gruesome. After about the 3rd card, he looked at me with concern and said "Did you take your meds this morning". Sh*t, I thought... Does he *know* I'm on meds? Uh Oh. I paused. Awkward silence. "Um, sure". And then a few minutes later, another classmate asked me "How do you spell Wellbutrin? One L or two?" It was all I could do to avoid rummaging around in my pharmaceuticalpurse and getting out my bottle of wellbutrin and saying "Hmmm, 2 L's."
The next morning a prof asked me if I had written my term paper on suicide because I was feeling suicidal. Um no! (The truth is that I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a couple of months, maybe 2 mos?-- Progress, see?).
And in class yesterday, Prof put up a slide of a run-over possum and queried, "If you were a possum, and just saw your friend get run over, what would you do?" I blurted out "I would probably go over and start eating him, because possums eat everything-- they're scavengers". Another awkward silence. The professor looked at me and said "You need a shrink!" Well, it was a funny moment, but I kind of felt conspicuously psycho.
Must. Resist. The. Urge. To. Self-disclose.
T suggested that I exercise every day to chill out. That sounds good, I suppose. I went on a 20 minute walk, which sounds like nothing, but when you have asthma and a cold and it's 39 degrees outside, 20 minutes is enough!
Okay, I blather on.
Unrelated, T made another inappropriate joke. I was wondering out loud whether I should ask this one prof to write me a letter of recommendation? T said "Sure, ask him, and you can tell him that you'll make it worth his while"
T???!!! WTF! Don't get me started. BAD T!!! Don't make me snort coffee all over your oriental rug!!
He looked at me impishly and said "I couldn't resist".
I decided to ignore him and go on with my story.
oh dear god.
I better shut up now.
SLOW DOWN!!!
-Ll
Posted by Sigismund on December 5, 2008, at 18:18:29
In reply to Slow Down!, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
>Must. Resist. The. Urge. To. Self-disclose.
It's hard, isn't it?
I do this, but I'm not remotely manic.
I put it down to boredom and a desire to be disruptive.
Posted by rskontos on December 5, 2008, at 18:29:29
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by Sigismund on December 5, 2008, at 18:18:29
I too must resist the impulse to disclose too much information. Because it always makes me feel bad. Too needy, too weird, always too something.
I am not manic either. I do it, I think to keep people away.
And then I feel bad afterwards. It is a vicious cycle.
rsk
Posted by muffled on December 5, 2008, at 20:27:46
In reply to Slow Down!, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
llurpy, you OK?
Mebbe you just kinda spinning out cuz H not there?
If it get bad mebbe check w/p-doc.
Or phone your pig T.
Hmmmm.
Take care.
M
Posted by Phillipa on December 5, 2008, at 21:01:15
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on December 5, 2008, at 20:27:46
I tell my life's story to anyone that will listen. Anyone want to know anything? I'll gladly comply. Phillipa
Posted by obsidian on December 5, 2008, at 21:07:52
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by Sigismund on December 5, 2008, at 18:18:29
yeah, I have a problem with self disclosure sometimes
there are places where I just have a hard time not expressing what I think
I guess I like to be disruptive too
Posted by JayMac on December 5, 2008, at 21:45:03
In reply to Slow Down!, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
Ll,
I am most curious about how the joke your T made has effected you? In my opinion, that was not the best comment he could have made. What did he say after that? Did he seem supportive? Or did he just leave you hanging with his joke? Joking can be great, but it sounds like his jokes are suggestive.
If I remember correctly (forgive me if I'm wrong), he has made inappropriate comments/jokes before?Take good care of yourself!
Hugs!!
JayMac
Posted by Sigismund on December 5, 2008, at 22:55:05
In reply to Slow Down!, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
>If you were a possum, and just saw your friend get run over, what would you do?" I blurted out "I would probably go over and start eating him, because possums eat everything-- they're scavengers
I saw some chooks on the road doing just that to one of their own.
Posted by Nadezda on December 6, 2008, at 11:54:44
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by JayMac on December 5, 2008, at 21:45:03
Well, I think he should have waited until you finished swallowing your mouthful of coffee, at the least. Very inconsiderate of him indeed.
What do you make of these inappropriate jokes?
Nadezda
Posted by Nadezda on December 6, 2008, at 12:01:59
In reply to Slow Down!, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
Maybe you could have some contingency plans for times when you become a bit hypomanic. As long as it doesn't get out of control, though-- perhaps you can give in to it and enjoy being a bit of a "character". There are much much worse things.
But if it starts to feel out of control, do you know what to do/take to slow it down? After all, it can swing a bit too far, and it's better to take preventative measures.
So far, I'd say you've been rather intriguing. I love your comment about the racoon-- the perfect astringent for your teacher's sentimentality.
I'll worry about you, a bit-- I'm not taking it so lightly. But do you think your H's being away is part of it.?
Two months isn't very long, by the way. I didn't know it had been as recent as that. What's been causing that?
Nadezda
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:19:37
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by Sigismund on December 5, 2008, at 18:18:29
desire to be disruptive, eh?
but always within the porous boundaries of civility...!
me too, except sometimes I am civil, yet lack good judgment.
pity.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:22:42
In reply to Re: Slow Down!LL/ » Sigismund, posted by rskontos on December 5, 2008, at 18:29:29
Hmm, you reflect that do it in order to keep others away. That is something that I hadn't considered before. I suppose being 'crazy' or whatever would set me apart from my peers, but I might also be doing it because it makes me more interesting and attractive.
oddly, the regret usually follows a U-shaped function. At the moment, I am mortified about what has just happened. Then I become less bothered by it by rationalizing and other mechanisms. Then I start to feel better about myself, and am once again embarrassed for my past behavior "how could I have *done* that???!)
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:27:55
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on December 5, 2008, at 20:27:46
> llurpy, you OK?
you wanna do my HW for me???
puhleasse? pretty please with whipped cream on top, and a cherry?
Maybe I'm slightly un-okay. but still functional. well, cognition is functional if judgement's not.
> Mebbe you just kinda spinning out cuz H not there?
Perhaps. I think that having him around to talk to kinda takes the edge off of my craziness. Perhaps I am attention-seeking because I lack this basic human human interaction.
> If it get bad mebbe check w/p-doc.
I guess you're right. quite likely that he would advise me to either 1) klonopin or 2) abilify. Which wouldn't be the worst thing, but I kinda need my brains at this point. :(
> Or phone your pig T.
Ha ha pigT grunt oink snort snort.
I think there's some interesting sh*t going on in that relationship. I'm writing a paper on relational psychoanalysis using my own psychotherapy as the case material, and have come to view his odd sense of humor in a different light. I will elaborate below, when I respond to JayMac.> Hmmmm.
> Take care.
> MThanks muffly, you have a nice weekend, k?
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:29:48
In reply to Re: Slow Down!, posted by Phillipa on December 5, 2008, at 21:01:15
> I tell my life's story to anyone that will listen. Anyone want to know anything? I'll gladly comply. Phillipa
If you think that you would benefit from telling your story, you can always start your own thread.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:50:32
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by JayMac on December 5, 2008, at 21:45:03
> Ll,
> I am most curious about how the joke your T made has effected you?Hi Jay, thanks for your response. I *have* been thinking a lot about that comment. I should put it in a bit of context. The professor that I contemplate asking for a letter of recommendation has expressed curiosity in my work, above and beyond what would be expected from someone in his role. For instance, he asked me for a copy of my dissertation abstract, and then responded back to my mailing of the abstract within 5 minutes with a little cartoon attached to the e-mail. That was strange. And then he asked me a couple other questions, like did I know such-and-such's theory? etc? This email showed complex thought, so he obviously put some effort into it. Again, irrelevant to course material, or my education. And he responds to my e-mails about due dates, etc. within minutes of getting them. Aside from this curiosity in my intellect, he doesn't show any interest in my person, that I'm aware of.
I have spoken about this with T, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. T asks "why does it make you feel uncomfortable?" "umm, because he's my professor?" "well, it's not a BAD thing that he could be interested in you" "huh? that would be immoral", I insist. "no, that would be natural", says T, "In fact, you could even try to explore it a little bit, rather than deny that sexual tension exists in this sort of relationship". oh dear, I'm thinking, what a mess. But then I thought, well, what's the harm? I can contemplate the possibility of being an object of interest, even though I feel like a lump of muffin. T is trying to say that I'm not totally unattractive. I guess this might be worth a try, if it will improve my self-esteem.
so, I give him updates on this professor every week. The latest bizarre thing he has said in lecture, or the feedback he has given me on assignments, which are to the point, but quirky, and humorous.
Ironically, this prof that I am uneasy about has showed more interest in my work than other professors, and thus knows more about me, so I'm probably going to ask him for a letter. Well, what's the harm? He can always say no. It would probably flatter him that I'm asking him.
>In my opinion, that was not the best comment he could have made. What did he say after that?
Well, he said "I couldn't resist", and then I took a moment to collect myself and changed topics to my work. I made a conscious decision not to pursue that joke. I didn't want to reinforce his bawdy sense of humor.
>Did he seem supportive? Or did he just leave you hanging with his joke? Joking can be great, but it sounds like his jokes are suggestive.
Oh, his jokes are suggestive, suggesting that I am a human being with a sexual side, as much as I would try to deny that I am anything but a nerdy brain. I try desperately to protect this sexual side, but the splitting off from my main personhood has become rather pathological.
> If I remember correctly (forgive me if I'm wrong), he has made inappropriate comments/jokes before?
>yep- you've got a good memory. and I'm sure that he will make further inappropriate jokes. Although I think he can control himself if I bring it to his attention that he shouldn't be amusing himself at the expense of my therapy. So far the jokes *haven't* been devastating, but they have been disruptive, i.e. preventing me from getting T's feedback about whether to ask this prof to write me a letter of rec.
> Take good care of yourself!
> Hugs!!
> JayMacThank you Jaymac, hugs back to you. I took a walk this am, so I guess that counts for taking care of myself, right?
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:51:13
In reply to Re: Slow Down!, posted by Sigismund on December 5, 2008, at 22:55:05
> >If you were a possum, and just saw your friend get run over, what would you do?" I blurted out "I would probably go over and start eating him, because possums eat everything-- they're scavengers
>
> I saw some chooks on the road doing just that to one of their own.what in tarnation is a chook?
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:53:01
In reply to Re: Slow Down!, posted by Nadezda on December 6, 2008, at 11:54:44
> Well, I think he should have waited until you finished swallowing your mouthful of coffee, at the least. Very inconsiderate of him indeed.
>
> What do you make of these inappropriate jokes?
>
> NadezdaI kind of touched on it in my response to JayMac. I think he is trying to get me to lighten up about my own sexuality. Not to be so Victorian, etc.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on December 6, 2008, at 12:54:15
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » Phillipa, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:29:48
Lurpsie just kidding but hoped to help you feel better. Do tend to hop from subject to subject and love talking to even strangers. Love and glad your're better today. Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 13:00:43
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » llurpsienoodle, posted by Nadezda on December 6, 2008, at 12:01:59
> Maybe you could have some contingency plans for times when you become a bit hypomanic. As long as it doesn't get out of control, though-- perhaps you can give in to it and enjoy being a bit of a "character". There are much much worse things.
>
It's hard to be a "character" when part of my self-image is being in control! I feel lost when I don't feel like I have a grip on what I will blurt out next. ugh.contingency plan. Well, I suppose I can suck on cough drops so that I won't be so tempted to fill up my mouth with inappropriate words expelled from the Tourettic parts of my mind.
> But if it starts to feel out of control, do you know what to do/take to slow it down? After all, it can swing a bit too far, and it's better to take preventative measures.
>
I think I will try a bit of medicating once I turn my papers in this semester. And exercising. Another thing that hasn't been helping is the lack of sleep. In this case, I think sleeplessness is both a cause and effect of the moodhyperactivity
> So far, I'd say you've been rather intriguing. I love your comment about the racoon-- the perfect astringent for your teacher's sentimentality.
>
you silly metropolitan! It's a possum, not a racoon!!! possums are the only marsupial in the US. They are very "unique". And kind of evil looking.
> I'll worry about you, a bit-- I'm not taking it so lightly. But do you think your H's being away is part of it.?Yes, probably. I definately went through a streak of rapid housecleaning and scurrying about as soon as he took off.
>> Two months isn't very long, by the way. I didn't know it had been as recent as that. What's been causing that?
I've kind of come to view it as a primary reaction to a sense of failure. I don't take criticism well at all. So, when I feel criticized, one of my very first and strongest feelings is to self-destruct. It's bad, I know, but that's my tendency.
>
> Nadezda
>
>Thanks for your concern.
hope you can get a little fresh air today, or at least fresh coffee...-Ll
Posted by muffled on December 6, 2008, at 19:52:37
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » JayMac, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:50:32
Luurps, thats interesting bout that prof....weird but kinda cool in a way.
Mebbe I kinda victorian in my sexuality sh*t, but is that so bad???
I know I am pathological to be honest, but just victorian isn't so bad.
I thonk some levity is good in T, and I just dunno how your T relationship is.
But sh*t, I'd be seriously pissed if a T made that comment to me.
Like I'd proly tell him to take hisself outside and f hisself.
But then I not had a T where I talked sex sh*t right?
My present T is just trying to help me get my scattered pieces together, let alone talk bout sex sh*t.
But thats just me.
Its proly OK for you, but at same time, it DOES seem to bug you some, so mebbe you can tell him to cool it some w/tyhe lockerroom humour....
Take care,
M
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 20:50:19
In reply to Re: Slow Down!, posted by muffled on December 6, 2008, at 19:52:37
> Luurps, thats interesting bout that prof....weird but kinda cool in a way.
It will be even cooler if he agrees to write me a letter!
> Mebbe I kinda victorian in my sexuality sh*t, but is that so bad???
only bad if it hurts your quality of life
> I know I am pathological to be honest, but just victorian isn't so bad.
I love victorian houses. and corsets, well, not really. just the idea of cleavage up to my chin. that sounds like fun. Now THAT kind of power
I can feel comfortable wielding around men. As long as my chastity belt is locked.
> I thonk some levity is good in T, and I just dunno how your T relationship is.
> But sh*t, I'd be seriously pissed if a T made that comment to me.
> Like I'd proly tell him to take hisself outside and f hisself.Muffled, and you would be justified. Personally, I think my T would respond well to that sentiment.
> But then I not had a T where I talked sex sh*t right?
> My present T is just trying to help me get my scattered pieces together, let alone talk bout sex sh*t.
> But thats just me.It's gonna take some time, once the pieces get assembled and the glue dries, then you can see if the parts still work :)
> Its proly OK for you, but at same time, it DOES seem to bug you some, so mebbe you can tell him to cool it some w/tyhe lockerroom humour....Yeah, it does bug me. Amuses me that he feels he can joke like that, but kind of offensive and childish at the same time. For a couple weeks last year he used the verb f*ck several times, and it was really vulgar. I asked him specifically not to say that word, and he said "well, what do you mean? you say 'f*ck' all the time. Does it bother you?" I explained to him that I say f*ck as an expletive, and he uses it as a verb. Since then he has been more delicate and nuanced when referring to sex. So, I think he is capable, he will just have to be told to exercise restraint. I'll talk to him on Monday.
> Take care,
> Mthanks for your ideas. Hope you have a nice sunset :)
-Ll
Posted by twinleaf on December 6, 2008, at 22:30:51
In reply to Slow Down!, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 16:41:16
I hate to throw any cold water on what *might* be a playful and helpful aspect of your therapy, but I really don't like the way your therapist jokes about sex with you. His comments would be considered light-hearted, friendly and complimentary if they occurred in "daily life" with a colleague. But in therapy, he should be handling this area with a lot of care and gentleness. He should be following your lead completely, so that you will be able to talk about your memories, feelings, concerns and fears, with him as an understanding, completely safe witness. Instead he sounds as though he's staying on the surface as one would in a social situation and sort of flirting.
If I've misinterpreted the whole thing, please forgive me. I do think there's a role for playfulness in dealing with sexual topics in therapy, but only after a lot of the shame and fear have been worked through.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 6, 2008, at 22:45:18
In reply to the way he jokes..., posted by twinleaf on December 6, 2008, at 22:30:51
I was thinking the same as twinleaf, in fact it reminds me of my first T. It all seems fun and innocent at first, but it can cause a lot of harm. You wouldn't have written about it if it didn't bother you.
I am very open about sex, but there just are some people who one shouldn't engage in jokes about about sex especially in a professional relationship. Too much of a chance of things going VERY wrong.It is one thing if it was YOU who said the comment, but the fact that he did, and other similar comments, are out of line for a T. I would be concerned, and just because you are in the field, doesn't mean you can't be hurt from it or that he should treat you with less precautions.
Posted by Sigismund on December 6, 2008, at 23:32:14
In reply to Re: Slow Down! » Sigismund, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 6, 2008, at 12:51:13
>what in tarnation is a chook?
When spellcheck didn't recognise chooks (just as it always tells me to use z's instead of s's) I wondered if you would know.
But what do *you* call them?
Hens? Roosters? Fowls?
Posted by Sigismund on December 6, 2008, at 23:37:23
In reply to Re: the way he jokes..., posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 6, 2008, at 22:45:18
Re: his jokes.
I can't remember if they are about sex all the time or mostly.
Is that right?
I do remember that they are dry.
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