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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 38. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on August 31, 2008, at 14:13:39
I'm sure we've all done it. Said something to our T at the end of the session that s/he will want to discuss first thing next session.
I told her that I'm afraid my husband will have an affair because I haven't had sex with him for close to two years. He thinks it's my meds. T knows it's much more than that and now I'm afraid she'll think I'm ready to talk about CSA and other trauma that I avoid. I just know after her standard "how was your week" she's going to say "what about what you said as you were leaving last week?" Uh, what about it? I suspect that answer will not fly.
Any advice is welcome.
Poet
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 14:48:35
In reply to Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Poet on August 31, 2008, at 14:13:39
Darling, that sounds so much like you. Made my day.
And this post might just be like some of our other conversations -- long and random, on accounta I'm still not sleeping and on a little bit of a talking jag.
Y'all don't gotta go from "I'm afraid my man is gonna stray off the rez" to "and this is the story of the CSA." It can, of course, but that's skipping a lot of intermediate steps. You know, the "every time I think about actually having sex with him, I feel..." through "maybe I could ease into helping him meet that need, without crossing my boundaries by..." and "maybe I can find a way to discuss my aversion with him that would help us do this together." You could talk about how you felt about sex before your strike -- was it something that you tolerated? Something so awful you had to work to keep from crying? Enjoyable at any point in your life?
What I'm saying is that there are all sorts of places you can go that are not directly related to That Thing Which Didn't Happen Uh Uh No Nope Never Happened.
And there's always crossing yourself -- gotta practice to stay at the top of your form, you know.
xoxo
Posted by Looney Tunes on August 31, 2008, at 16:42:22
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 14:48:35
I don't do those doorknob confessions...simply because I am usually pissed off by the end of the session that I don't want to say anything.
I also don't have a T that brings up anything. We could sit there all session quiet if I did not say something. I am not sure if T forgets and just waits or it is T's style.
Now methods to deal with doorknow confessions:
1) Address it honestly
2) Admit you said it but don't want to expand on it
3) Play the "what, I don't remember that" game
4) Play the "you have me confused with another client" game
5) Open the door to the traumaThose are the only 5 I can think of. I am surprised you can do the "doorknob confessions" as I would be bothered all week until next session.
good luck
Posted by Daisym on August 31, 2008, at 23:03:03
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Looney Tunes on August 31, 2008, at 16:42:22
Hi Poet,
I do this all the time. I think in some ways it is easier to blurt and run and then come back to it later.
I did it on Monday and then avoided it all the way until Thursday - with 10 minutes to go. I'm going to post about it below - but I wouldn't recommend doing this. It was upsetting and highly anxiety producing.
And if the csa is interfering with your sex life, there are ways to get past it. It isn't easy but mostly you have to ask little Poet to step out of the room for awhile. I've recently met someone and this is something we are working on. Not easy to talk about for sure.
Posted by JayMac on September 1, 2008, at 3:07:13
In reply to Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Poet on August 31, 2008, at 14:13:39
> I'm sure we've all done it. Said something to our T at the end of the session that s/he will want to discuss first thing next session.
I've definitely done it. I think I've done it just to be sure my T is thinking about me while I'm away.
> I told her that I'm afraid my husband will have an affair because I haven't had sex with him for close to two years. He thinks it's my meds. T knows it's much more than that and now I'm afraid she'll think I'm ready to talk about CSA and other trauma that I avoid. I just know after her standard "how was your week" she's going to say "what about what you said as you were leaving last week?" Uh, what about it? I suspect that answer will not fly.
Many Ts are used to doorknob confessions. They know how to deal with them. Depending on her style, she might bring it up next time you see her OR she will let you discuss it when you are ready.
To me a doorknob confession, such as yours, would greatly suggest that there's something you really really need to talk about, but can barely get it out until it's almost too late. It's never too late to discuss something as important as your relationship with your husband. It's not too late to repair things with him. It's not too late to get your needs met with your husband AND it's not too late to get your needs met with your T.
This is definitely a topic you need to speak to her about. Whether that's in a couple days, weeks, or months is up to you, but it sounds like you need to let her in.
I hope that helps :)
Take good care,
JayMac
Posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 8:31:20
In reply to Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Poet on August 31, 2008, at 14:13:39
I do that a lot; sometimes unknowingly, as if I have blocked out what I want to say for the first 50 minutes. I HATE when my T says we'll discuss it next time as we're walking out the door. But she has patient amnesia; she rarely brings it up next time; it's always up to me to do that.
sounds like me, too, in that you are doing some black and white thinking and catastrophizing. I do that all the time. There is a gray area as was suggested above that you can use to work your way to it w/o upsetting yourself too much.
I think you're the greatest. I read one of your poems yesterday and was blown away by its beauty.
You have come such a long, long way and should give yourself big pats on the back.
antigua
Posted by onceupon on September 1, 2008, at 13:33:29
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 8:31:20
So I'm not the only one who works to say something for 45 minutes and then blurts it out with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach?
Oh, good.
I'm with the others here - you can choose to bring it up (or any of the related topics) if you want, or you can choose not to. You can decline to talk about it if she brings it up, or steer the conversation any which way you'd like.
Of course, this is easy for me to say from the comfort of my home, nowhere near my therapist's office, where I'm sure to balk for another 45 minutes next time.
Good luck!
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:09:47
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 14:48:35
Hi Racer,
You're probably right that what I dropped could go to many places and not just the one I fear. And I can cross myself tightly. Maybe even throw a pillow at her.
You wrote: You could talk about how you felt about sex before your strike -- was it something that you tolerated? Something so awful you had to work to keep from crying? Enjoyable at any point in your life?
Something that I tolerated. Sometimes felt like crying. Enjoyed very seldom.
You wrote: What I'm saying is that there are all sorts of places you can go that are not directly related to That Thing Which Didn't Happen Uh Uh No Nope Never Happened.
You are very wise and I don't mean just a wise a**.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:17:45
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Looney Tunes on August 31, 2008, at 16:42:22
Hi Looney Tunes,
I usually throw a note at her on my way out the door, saying something verbally is rare. Which is what worries me that she'll think it's okay to bring up stuff that it is not okay to bring up.
I think you've nailed my choices:
1) Address it honestly
2) Admit you said it but don't want to expand on it
3) Play the "what, I don't remember that" game
4) Play the "you have me confused with another client" game
5) Open the door to the trauma.I'm leaning towards I don't remember saying that. Maybe she'll have one of her menopause moments and forgot I said anything.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:24:21
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Daisym on August 31, 2008, at 23:03:03
Hi Daisy,
I used to be able to have sex, I may not have enjoyed it: close my eyes and think of a good movie, but I could get through it. Maybe if I imagined Little Poet far away it would help.
I give you credit for trying to work things out with the person you're attracted to. You are so right- it is hard.
I'll post on Friday after my session. Maybe T will forget the whole thing or I am blowing it out of proportion because I'm afraid.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:26:43
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:24:21
Posted by rskontos on September 2, 2008, at 19:29:54
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:24:21
Poet,
I too love to do the same thing. My T has tried a various number of ways to readdress the bombshell. He has asked directly first thing and I ignore it. And babble on. He has waited until mid-session and I ignore it. And he has asked at the end of the session and I ignore it. So he usually now waits for me to re-introduce the topic since I am the Queen of Miscellaneous Babble and Ignoring.
(I do understand the sex thing. I dread speaking about these topics. I have to work up nerve for weeks prior. )
rsk
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:36:58
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by JayMac on September 1, 2008, at 3:07:13
Hi JayMac.
My T is used to me dropping a note and running. That I said it out loud might mean, as you suggested, that I really really do need to talk about it. I know I need to let her in. I've been seeing her for six years and denied CSA for at least four years.
What is good is that she won't push me. If I say I don't want to talk about it, she'll ask what I want to talk about. Or she'll tell me to write it. Which is much easier.
Thanks for your help and for being another doorknob confessor.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:43:31
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 8:31:20
Hi Antigua,
Thank you for thinking my poem was beautiful. I've seriously thought about changing my posting name as I barely write anything anymore, but knowing that someone appreciates my work means a lot to me.
I am definitely doing black and white thinking and fearing the worst. Which is silly because my T doesn't push me. If I say I don't want to talk about something, that's the end of the discussion. Though when it comes to CSA she said she won't bring it up unless I do and in an indirect way I brought it up. What am I so afraid of? Sigh.
Maybe she'll have patient amnesia.
Thank you for your kind words.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:47:05
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by onceupon on September 1, 2008, at 13:33:29
Hi onceupon,
You are definitely in good company when it comes to blurting in fear and running. Though I usually hand her a note with a shaky hand and run.
As you and others have pointed out I can decline to talk. It's my session, right?
Oh, oh, I don't see her until Friday and that dreaded feeling is already here.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:52:15
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession/Poet, posted by rskontos on September 2, 2008, at 19:29:54
Hi RSK,
I've been seeing my T for six years and sex is not a topic I can discuss. Even events that traumatized me. No, no, no!
Your T's methods to get you to talk are like my T's. When it comes to CSA she's been waiting over two years for me to bring it up. So maybe just saying I'm afraid my husband will have an affair isn't going to cause her to make a direct connection to anything that may or may not have occured in my childhood.
I'll post what happens on Friday.
Thank you for your understanding.
Poet
Posted by Racer on September 2, 2008, at 21:29:33
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Racer, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:09:47
>>
> You are very wise and I don't mean just a wise a**.
>
> Poet
>
>Better a wise one than a dumb one, right?
I'm very sad for you that you didn't enjoy sex. I realize this is a very intimate sort of subject, and a lot of people reading right now have their fingers in their ears singing LALALALA, but I wanted to say that. I enjoyed sex, despite all the baggage it brought at times, and wish that you could experience the true glories that connection can have at times. It can be very comforting and healing for me -- or, at least, as far as I can remember it was...
Were you able to enjoy cuddling, or other sorts of physical intimacy? If not, you know I'm heading out there with my outrage and some whips. You deserve so much more.
By the way, I just realized something -- physical intimacy for me can be very much like curling up around a purring cat. The same sort of warmth and connection. I wish that you could enjoy that feeling, too.
You're wonderful. I know you disagree -- but you're not correct...
Posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 7:37:54
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » antigua3, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:43:31
>> Though when it comes to CSA she said she won't bring it up unless I do and in an indirect way I brought it up. What am I so afraid of? Sigh.
>Maybe you're afraid that, if you say it out loud to another person, it will become Real. It will become something which Really Did Happen?
Or, maybe you're afraid that you'll be told that It Wasn't That Bad? That it's all your fault for thinking it was Bad, when anyone else would have been able to shake it off without a care? Or that you'll have to be able to explain how what happened caused you pain -- why it hurt you? That only sounds like a crazy idea until you realize that it's my fear -- "what happened to you really wasn't that bad, many people have been through far worse, you're only hurt by it because you're Too Damned Sensitive." Funny thing, of course -- that's exactly what happened to me as a kid...
I'm a huge believer in backing into a subject with my eyes closed and fingers in my ears singing LALALALA. If I were trying to get you to a place where you could open up about this topic, I think I'd start with exploring what it is that prevents you from talking about this. Is it a fear, like those above, that involve external elements? Are you afraid that if you ever speak of it, you'll break down into tears and cry so hard you'll break apart? That's another of my fears, that if I talk about certain things, it'll be so bad that I'll break into pieces that can't be put back together.
Of course, you're not me, and I'm not nearly as clever as you are in so very many ways, so your own reluctance may be very different. I still hope you find a way to heal -- even if you never say a word.
Posted by antigua3 on September 3, 2008, at 12:21:28
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » antigua3, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:43:31
Please don't change your name. I love knowing that you're Poet. And you are a poet, truly.
antigua
Posted by Poet on September 3, 2008, at 19:08:07
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 7:37:54
Hi Racer,
It's hard to type with my fingers in my ears LA LA LA LA LA.
I've never liked cuddling or really any long periods of physical contact. Dr. Clueless would probably say it's my sensory defensiveness which I would have to agree with. Damn it I hate it when I think Clueless might be right about something.
Plus I don'tcome from a family that is big on physical demonstrations of emotion. With cats, yes, people no. My mother says couples hold hands in public to keep from hitting each other. Though my sister is a hand holder and a people hugger, so go figure.
I do like it when the cats snuggle on my lap and nuzzle me, so maybe it's just human contact that bothers me?
>>Maybe you're afraid that, if you say it out loud to another person, it will become Real. It will become something which Really Did Happen?
It didn't happen, LA LA LA LA LA, I have never actually said it out loud, T has read it when I briefly did journaling. I denied it for close to four years and that I wrote it was major for me.
I can understand your fear that you'll be told that it wasn't that bad and basically get over it. This is why only T and people here know. Plus I blame myself for it and I know I am not to blame, repeat three hundred million zillion times until I believe it.
I think it is more if I say it I have to admit it happened than I'll break down and cry. I never cry in therapy, but if anything could make me do it this is it.
Thank you for your incredible insight and you are as clever as I am if not more so.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 3, 2008, at 19:09:02
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by antigua3 on September 3, 2008, at 12:21:28
Posted by Daisym on September 3, 2008, at 20:20:52
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession/Poet » rskontos, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:52:15
I had a question: Did you stop having sex after you gave your therapist the note? It might be useful to look at that connection.
Posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 21:54:19
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Racer, posted by Poet on September 3, 2008, at 19:08:07
Posted by onceupon on September 4, 2008, at 12:57:10
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » onceupon, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:47:05
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you as I'm sitting in my therapist's office with my arms and legs crossed and my heart pounding as I try to talk about my relationship with my therapist - the topic that shall not be named ;)
Posted by Poet on September 4, 2008, at 19:51:45
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Daisym on September 3, 2008, at 20:20:52
Hi Daisy,
You know it was about the same time. Hmm. Now I really have something to think about.
You (and Racer, in case she sees this) are very very wise.
Poet
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